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What the Most Popular Baby Names of 2016 Say About the Parents

Some people think that someone’s name says a lot about that person; I am not one of those people. After all, you didn’t pick your own name. Most people wouldn’t give unbelievably awful names to themselves, so if your name sucks, it’s on your parents. And with the year drawing to a close, I thought we should take a look at what 2016’s most popular names say about the parents who made them popular (NOTE: We’re doing the five most popular names for Girls and boys; this is an exercise in rigid gender identity because there isn’t really any other way to do it.)

First For Girls: Sophia

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You might expect me to be hyper critical of all these names, but honestly? Sophia is a classy name and I’m glad it is back. Kudos to your parents, Sophias.

First for Boys: Jackson

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For shame to your parents, Jackson! I’m sorry, but Jackson is, at this point, a last name. It’s weird to have it as your first name, and I think this is your parents being obtuse. It’s especially awful if your last name is something like Williams — then you’re doomed to have your first and last names mixed up for the rest of your life.

Second For Girls: Emma

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Emma’s a little basic, but it still errs on the more interesting side of basic. So Emmas, your parents are simple yet elegant. Good enough!

Second For Boys: Aiden

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Aiden is the name that comedy writers use when they need a name that will immediately tell the audience “This character is painfully white.” That means all you Aidens are going to grow up wearing ascots.

Third For Girls: Olivia

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Again, old fashioned, but in a timeless way. I’d wager most of these Olivas had parents who grew up with a cherished elderly aunt named Olivia that they wanted to honor.

Third for Boys: Lucas

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Finally, a boy’s name that doesn’t belong to someone from the high school lacrosse team that would laugh while the best players on the team beat someone up. “Lucas” is the work of parents who didn’t want to risk their kid having an easily mocked name, yet made sure it wasn’t TOO boring.

Fourth For Girls: Ava

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This is my cousin’s name, so I guess all being named “Ava” says about you this is that my Aunt Judy and Uncle Mike are great. Also, I’m too old to still be calling fellow grown adults “Aunt” and “Uncle”.

Fourth For Boys: Liam

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If this is your name, you parents are British.

Fifth For Girls: Lia

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If this is your name, your parents wanted a boy, and they wanted to name him Liam.

Fifth For Boys: Noah

via GIPHY

Noah is not only a biblical name, it is a very important biblical name, so your parents are really signaling that they’re expecting a lot from you. Good luck liberating all of those people!

The girls have way better names, damn. What’s the best baby name? Let us know on Twitter!

Contributor: 
Will Weldon
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