I am and have always been terrified of clowns. I f*cking hate them even more than vampires. I have the misfortune of living in LA at a time when clowning is really having a moment and at least once a week a friend will invite me to their clown workshop and I have to refrain from shouting, “I will never clown! Nobody should clown! Death to clowning!” Luckily, I’m not the only one who feels this way — TV and movies are replete with creepy-ass clowns proving that no sane person wants to put on a giant red nose. Here are the seven creepiest clowns in TV and movies.
1) Pennywise – It
Based on the Stephen King novel, It is about a shape-shifting evil being who appears as a clown to lure children to their death. Pennywise is the ultimate creepy clown and I am dying just looking at this photo.
2) Twisty the Clown – American Horror Story
He’s a kidnapper and serial killer who blew off his jaw trying to commit suicide and covers it up with a grinning smile mask. Like all clowns, Twisty mistakenly believes he is bringing children joy and happiness when he’s actually terrifying the bejeezus out of them.
3) Michael Myers – Halloween
When he’s six years old, Michael Myers dresses up as a clown for Halloween and murders his sister. So he’s a murderous clown child. Wonderful.
4) Zombie clown – Zombieland
What’s scarier than a clown? An undead clown. Why did I decide to use this gif? It’s the nastiest f*cking thing I’ve ever seen. Why did I decide to write this article? I’m torturing myself. Am I secretly mad at myself for something? Why did I feel I deserved this?
5) All the clowns – Killer Klowns from Outer Space
I have never seen Killer Klowns from Outer Space, because I’d probably rather eat glass, but the internet tells me it’s about aliens who appear as clowns and trap humans in a cocoon of cotton candy, kill people during puppet shows, and murder them with popcorn.
6) John Wayne Gacy – To Catch a Killer
John Wayne Gacy was a real-life person who dressed up as a clown and brutally murdered people, and Brian Dennehy played him in this TV movie. Just look at that smile. I am going to have nightmares now.
7) Happy Slappy – Air Bud
I didn’t want to just populate this list with horror movie clowns since all clowns are terrifying, so here’s a different, more banal kind of evil. Happy Slappy is just a sh*tty dog owner (and the kind of creep who wears a clown outfit to court), but he shows his true, awful colors when he tries to get Buddy back after he rewrites the rule book vis a vis what games dogs can play.
Now I need to go take a warm bath, listen to some relaxing music, and call my mother so she can tell me everything’s going to be okay. Do you hate clowns as much as I do? Don’t let me feel alone in my terror! Tweet me @erikaheidewald and let me know!