As long as there are teenage girls, there will continue to be boy bands. You know, the cookie-cutter manufactured musical groups designed to separate girls from their money? You are 100 percent guaranteed to see the following types of boyz in each and every boy band:
The Cute One
Every boy band has to have a cute one. You can tell he’s the cute one by his baby face. That baby face might end up getting pretty weird looking as he ages. but for now, he’s the youngest one in the group. And therefore the most accessible for teenager girls. And therefore, the money maker.
The Suave One
Is there a slow vocal solo? Then The Suave One’s going to step out and speak-sing in his sexy baritone. He doesn’t actually sing during any of the songs. They just keep him on hand to make things real sexy-like whenever it’s called for. It’s kind of like keeping around spare water for the emergency, but in this case, the emergency is that things aren’t smooth and sexy enough.
The Bad Boy Who Doesn’t Do Things That are Actually Bad
You can still take this bad boy home to mom and dad, even though he markets himself as the “wild” one in the group. His idea of a crazy night consists of walking on the grass, sneaking into a PG-13 movie, then getting you back home at 10:25, just five minutes before curfew. Watch out! He’s crazy!
The One That’s Too Old to Be There
Seriously, is he like 50? We don’t know. All we know is that this guy is styled to look younger and it is not fooling anyone. He’s waaaaay too old to be singing about having a crush on a girl at school. He mostly stands in the back, because he’s really only there to chaperone the other members of the band.
The One Who Will Come Out Years Later
All the girls love him because he’s non threatening and probably a really good listener. Years after the band breaks up and he’s no longer a sex symbol for teenage girls, he’ll come out of the closet. And as a result, you will question everything you know in the world to be true.
The One Who’s Trying Too Hard with the Trends
This guys is trying so hard to be trendy. Almost too hard. It could be that the stylist who picked out his outfit decided to make up a trend that doesn’t exist yet. Or it could be that he’s wearing every single trend at once. Either way, goggles and tiny backpacks are not a look and he should not be wearing them.
What’s your favorite boy band? Let us know on Twitter!