Listen up, sportsmen — you can’t all be The Rock (although The Rock can certainly be us). But pre-Rock (or BDJ, as the time period is known) how were these athletes supposed to know their on-the-field charisma wouldn’t carry over to the movie screen? And so, the following gems were unleashed on the world. Here are five of the worst athlete-starring films, as determined by my patented “Dwaynes Johnson” scale of 1 to a billion, with only The Rundown being able to reach a proper 1,000,000,000,000 Dwaynes Johnson.
Score: 8 Dwaynes Johnson, because if we round up, Gheorghe Muresan is 8 damned feet tall
When the 7’8″ Gheorghe Muresan dipped his gigantic toes into the acting world, we were blessed with My Giant. Penned by the writer of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and really, only a dip in a chocolate river, Augustus Gloop-style, might’ve lightened the proceedings a bit. But when you’ve got a near 8-footer quoting Shakespeare at tiny Billy Crystal, are you really gonna have Steven Seagal cameo as himself? That’s just spitting in God’s face.
Score: 5,000 Dwaynes Johnson, the approximate age of Kazaam himself
A 5,000 year-old genie that lives in a boombox? Now that’s a recipe for success — and that’s before we even took into account the fact that he was a RAPPING genie. While Kazaam didn’t even make back its $20 million budget, at least Shaq learned his lesson, right?
Score: 2 Dwaynes Johnson, the number of movies it took for Shaq to have mercy on us
Oh, come on Shaq, you do this to us the very next year?! Where Kazaam ruined lighthearted fantasy, Steel took the very same wrecking ball to superhero movies. Sure, the movie did give us one of the first wheelchair-bound protagonists, but was it really worth it? Really? Shaquille?
Score: 2 Dwaynes Johnson (for obvious reasons)
At one point in time, “The Worm” Dennis Rodman was the “bad boy” of both sports AND entertainment, but if you’re sharing a screen with Jean-Claude Van Damme and you’re making him look like Daniel Day-Lewis, maybe it’s time to wrap it up.
Score: 303 Dwaynes Johnson, the weight of Hulk Hogan (NOT Terry Bollea)
Hulk Hogan plus kids ALWAYS equals fun, as evidenced by the fact that this isn’t the only film to use this formula. There’s this weird thing where Hogan, gigantic, orange and silken-haired as he is, was fawned over by every female in a 10-mile radius in each of his films. Throw in the fact that his mentor is GEORGE JEFFERSON and the main villain is BUSTER POINDEXTER, and you’ve got a real fever dream of a crapfest.
The Rock could totally take Vin Diesel in a fight, right? Let me know on Twitter!