Food and marketing go hand-in-hand in the good ol’ US of A, because who better to sell us our delicious garbage than a bunch of kid-friendly cartoon characters? And, of course, by some twisted variant on natural selection, only the weirdest have reached iconic status (the rest are, thankful, forgotten). Here are five of the weirdest anthropomorphic food mascots.
Lefty, the Hamburger Helper Helping Hand
No, General Mills, a disembodied hand with a face DOESN’T make me want to consume your boxed meat-products, even if you did just change the name to “Helper” in 2013. In fact, that’s even MORE suspicious! Lefty is the kitchen equivalent of the MS Word paperclip, and I do not want, NOR DO I NEED his help, thankyouverymuch.
The Jolly Green Giant and Sprout
If my parents can’t get me to eat vegetables, ain’t no way a giant ill-colored stranger is gonna get the job done. I mean, look, good on the Jolly Green Giant for being a single dad (if Sprout is his kid, which I hope to God he is), but maybe he should just get that skin checked out, is all I’m saying.
Twinkie the Kid
Look, man, I don’t want any trouble. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around a) why a spongecake has become sentient, and b) why it decided to become a cowboy. What the hell is that lasso for? I can’t imagine it’s safe for it to ride a horse, or be around any animal with a mouth and an appetite. Seems like ol’ Twinkie here just asking for trouble at that point.
I’d have thought Ronald would teach the Hamburglar to have some respect for other people’s property, but the real problem with the Hamburglar is that he’s stuck in the middle. The guy needs to either rehabilitate himself and leave people to their lunches or, hell, at least graduate to better crimes. He’s been dabbling in petty lunch-thievery for decades now. How much money does he have to show for that? And as anyone who’s seen Super Size Me knows, not everybody can pull off a Big Mac-only diet, no matter how much pilates they do.
Caesar must be in his 50s by now, and he knows ONE word. Guy needs to crack open a dictionary and learn something new already. I mean, his namesake was royalty, for crying out loud! And now his legacy is going to be shilling everyone’s very last choice for drunken midnight meals. It’s just a good thing we made it past the Ides of March. I saw the Noid carrying around a dagger.
Which mascot makes you actively NOT want the product it’s advertising? Let me know on Twitter or in the comments below!