Sure, Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters blows up bimonthly. And yes, most of its “professors” spend their time fighting robot behemoths. But if you’re a teenage mutant, Professor X’s learning institution is still the best place for you. Just make sure to avoid the following unpleasant courses:
Loving Your Lesser Powers: You’re Okay Even Though They’re Better
Not every mutant can fly, control the weather, or use telekinesis — some can just hold their breath for, like, four minutes. This class hopes to make “mutant-ish” students feel better about themselves with simple rescue scenarios involving yelling at people to get out of a burning building or recalling enough details about a 7/11 robbery to tell the police.
Learn Just Enough Math to Tip at Restaurants
The problem with schools like Xavier’s is that while you discover how to use your powers, you don’t learn a damn thing about math or reading. This sees students graduating without any real world skills. But this course teaches them just enough addition, subtraction, multiplication and division to figure out what to leave a waiter.
Don’t Use Your Gifts to Cut in Line: How Not to be a Mutant A-hole
How often does a mutant win an argument by simply blowing up the other person’s head? This course illustrates that with great power comes a great need to sometimes mumble angrily to yourself and just deal with the situation. Whether it’s NOT creating a sharknado because Meryl didn’t invite you to her outdoor birthday party or NOT using mind control to force the TV announcer to read your Lotto numbers, students will learn to feel bad about ever using their gifts for anything except helping humans or escaping the school when it blows up again.
Seeking Success Elsewhere: For When You Don’t Make the X-Men Team
Not every student at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters is gifted enough to join the X-Men. This class will prepare eventual graduates for finding a new career in a world that will fear and despise them. Employment opportunities include “Continuously Winning Bar Bets” and “Continuously Winning Bar Fights for Money” and… not a lot else. Students leave with the realization that they’re mostly going to smell like tap beer for the rest of their lives.
Cowering: For When You Can’t Afford Medical Bills
Being a mutant often means being brave, but it doesn’t have to mean being stupid. This course teaches students how to run away screaming from danger, or just say, “Hell no” whenever Magneto, Apocalypse, or a purse-snatcher shows up. In the end, they won’t feel proud, but they will feel relieved they didn’t blow their life’s savings on an ER visit.
What class would you be ashamed to take if you lived in the X-Men-verse? Let us know on Twitter @Smosh!