Time to boot up InDesign folks — we’ve got to update our resumes with Pokédex info. According to a post on its Facebook page, Singaporean good time event company Funzig is hiring people to play Pokémon Go. This announcement immediately rockets “professional Pokémon Go player” to the top of the all-time best summer jobs list. Imagine, you could spend the rest of your vacation walking around catching Pidgeys, instead of, uh, walking around catching Pidgeys. But also you could afford to eat. (Many Pokémon Go players get fired from their jobs and are, in fact, starving to death.)
The job posting promises to pay players to play the crazy popular mobile game, and even promises three months of income. But Funzig doesn’t mention what specifically its new trainers will be doing. I mean, if you’ve ever heard stories of QA testers, you know that playing video games for money is soul-crushing. And there is nothing worse than when something fun becomes something terrible, as I found out the day I went indoor rock climbing after eating an entire buffalo chicken pizza and a brownie/cookie hybrid from Domino’s the night before.
So what’s the catch here? How is Funzig going to make money having a dedicated Pokémon player on staff? Are the on-staff Trainers going to set up events that other people will pay to come to? Because then the job isn’t playing Pokémon Go, it’s event planning. Or maybe they’re paying players to change their usernames to “Funzig”, so the company can advertise when the player takes over a Gym? Because then the job isn’t playing Pokémon Go, it’s being a billboard. Or maybe they want players to grab hold of paying customer‘s accounts and level up their Pokémon? Because then the job isn’t playing Pokémon Go, it’s being uuuuuuuuused. Does that make you feel good? To be uuuuuuuuused? It shouldn’t. It should make you feel dirty. Because that’s what you’d be. Dirty.
Honestly, if you can figure out why this company would pay someone to play Pokémon Go, let me know on Twitter @mikeymccollor. Otherwise, I’m gonna stress out about it all day long. Why can’t I just understand how business works?