Don’t get me started on how much I hate Jerry Seinfeld. I could be granted the gift of eternal life and even in the Year of Our Lord 2586, I’d still be listing reasons I hate that man. From his annoying voice to the lol we’re so RANDOM-ness of Bee Movie to those smug Superman credit card commercials, the stand-up comic is the gnat of American culture — never hurting anyone directly, but just bothersome enough to keep us from falling asleep at night. And Jerry Seinfeld does keep me from falling asleep at night — I close my eyes and all I can see is his giant horse mouth grinning as he wonders aloud why Chinese people still use chopsticks (uh maybe because they’re part of their culture???).
Thank god for Doug Keener, who made this Doom II mod that lets the Doom Guy enter the hell that is Jerry’s apartment and put an end to his “comic musings” the only way he knows how — with a double-barreled shotgun blast to the noggin.
FINALLY this is a chance to get revenge on the insufferable stars of Seinfeld. Oh Jerry, are you dating a woman who’s name sounds like part of the female anatomy? BLAM. NOT ANYMORE. Kramer, is the giant fried chicken sign turning your apartment a bright neon red? BLAM BLAM. Now you can sleep FOREVER. George, are you scamming the unemployment offices and therefore need to answer Jerry’s phone with “Vandelay Industries”? BLAM BLAM KA-BOOM. Now the only benefits you’ll be scamming off the taxpayers are DEATH benefits.
Whew… having watched the video of this mod, I feel like I’ve got all the aggression I had directed at Jerry Seinfeld out. I feel better. And you know something? He’s right — airline food IS worse than other foods.
Follow Mikey on Twitter @mikeymccollor.