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MOUTHFUL: Why Beefy Jerky Is the BEST Jerky (Is There Another Kind of Jerky? I Ain't Sure)

It can be hard to eat like a grown-up, and that’s why yer hearin’ from ME, a grizzled, deranged cowboy (the most qualified adult, since no baby could survive on the open range) as to which foods are worthy of bein’ consumed by us tough-as-nails grown-ups. This here is MOUTHFUL, and today, we’re talkin’ BEEF JERKY. Open up.

I love meat! It’s just about my fav’rit thing to chow down upon! If’n it were economically viable, I’d sit down to the dinner table with a plate of rare steak, chicken breast, pork chops, turkey strips, kielbasa, and one of them MEAT pies the British love so dang much!

mouthful jerky pie
If I bite into this and find cherry or rhubarb, I will re-start the Revolutionary War! I swear I will!
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But I’m a busy man, out and about all day long clearin’ trail and catchin’ bandits for reward money — how often am I home long enough to cook up some meat? That’s why I surely love myself some BEEF JERKY. It is such a CALMING feeling knowin’ I got a pack of meat there in my back pocket I can sink my teeth into at any time! Yessir, I know beef jerky will be there for me when I need it, even if’n not a one of my “friends” are!

mouthful jerky jerky
This beef jerky right here’s gonna be the best man at my wedding, which will be to beef jerky.
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But here’s my question about beef jerky — why we always gotta add that “beef” at the beginnin’ there? Are there other kinds o’ jerky?! I mean, is there some damn fool out there jerky-in’ up his leftover turkey? His pork chops? His polish sausage?!

mouthful jerky polish sausage
I am not sure what’s in polish sausage. If it does so happen t’be turkey or pork chops, I do apologize fer my redundancy.
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This here quandary had me doin’ some research, and I done learned myself a little somethin’! It turns out, anything can be jerky, seein’ as how jerky is just dried up meat! See, I was thinkin’ there was some kind of thick, dry animal we was all killin’ and skinnin’ to get it. Some kinda chupacabra, perhaps.

mouthful jerky chupacabra
If this fella’s meat ain’t jerky, then WHAT DID I JUST EAT?!?!?!?
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But if you just gotta dry out a meat to make jerky, that means that we can turn non-meats into jerky by dryin’ ’em out too! Now all the food we struggle to eat on the go can be thrown out into the sun and stuffed into a pouch. Think of the options! We could have lo mein jerky! Bruschetta jerky! Guacamole jerky! Applesauce jerky!

mouthful jerky apple slices
All right, now I’m just describin’ apple slices, BUT I TRUST YOU CATCH M’ POINT.
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THE VERDICT: Ain’t no bones about it — beef jerky is a fine food you should eat every day. Should you also dry up all yer other food and make that into jerky? Well that depends on how BRAVE YOU ARE. Ain’t no one jerky’d up a corn on the cob or a fine ham soup, so if you wanna try it, BE MY GUEST! (No really, do it, and if’n you find any good new good stuff to jerky, lemme know on Twitter @Smosh.)

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mouthful jerky apple slices
mouthful jerky pie
mouthful jerky chupacabra
mouthful jerky jerky
mouthful jerky polish sausage

What do you think?

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