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MOUTHFUL: What's a Damn Grownup Put on Their Huge Honkin' Cheeseburger?

It can be hard to eat like a grown-up, and that’s why yer hearin’ from ME, a grizzled, deranged cowboy (the most qualified adult, since no baby could survive on the open range). I’ll tell ya which foods are worthy of bein’ consumed by us tough-as-nails grown-ups. This here is MOUTHFUL, and today, we’re talkin’ HAMBURGERS. Open up.

Ah, hamburgers — delicious, simple, and in a lotta ways, a symbol for this great, good country of ours. What could be more American than sittin’ down with a big ol’ burger and devourin’ it all on your lonesome?

mouthful burger burger
PICTURED: America’s top export (don’t check on that, it’s for sure true).
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But not all burgers are created equal. Two spaces, the one between the bottom of the burg’ and the lower bun and the space between the top o’ yer burg’ and the overbun (or as some call it, the “hoverbun”, for the way it hovers over the rest of the burger) will define what kinda burger you eatin’. That’s because those two spots are where you stuff all your FIXINS’.

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How you go about fillin’ them spaces tells you not only what kinda lunch yer about to eat, but what kinda man you are.
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And it’s little baby children — the weakest and therefore worst among us — who need the most fancy toppings. If you get these things on your hamburger, you’re wrong and I don’t like ya — we’re talking the barbecue sauces, the blue cheese dressings, and even the bacons. That’s right, even bacon!

mouthful burger bacon
Yer identity is defined by how much you like a certain kinda meat? You must be RIGHT fun at parties.
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So if yer lookin’ fer RESPECT from yer fellow adults (and let’s be honest here, who isn’t?), here are the ONLY acceptable toppings fer that great big ol’ hamburger o’ yours!

Lettuce


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Without any lettuce in yer burger, it devolves into a mess of slop! Lettuce is functionally the skeleton of the burger, giving it the structure it needs to stay together, and the generally pleasing CRUNCHin’ sound when you bite into it. (Sometimes I will bite into the bones of m’ enemies.)

Tomato


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Heck, a tomato’s like addin’ a burst of freshness to yer hamburger, and who doesn’t like a burst of freshness? Well, maybe my college roommate Gelator. (His name was Peter, but we called him Gelator because he was huge and we assume liked gelatin and Gelator is probably the name of The King of Gelatin.) One time we broke into Gelator’s room and sprayed him down with febreeze because he was stinkin’ up the joint, and he got that chemical all up in his eyes and mouth and various other orifices. RIP Gelator. (He didn’t die but he did move out, and rightly so!)

Onions


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The only reason — and I mean the ONLY reason — not to get onions on yer hamburger is if yer on a first date. Onions, you see, are notorious fer messin’ up yer breath, and you’ll wanna keep that mouth fresh and ready fer neckin’. That said, if’n you head out on the town once again fer a second date, it’s important to eat an onion-laden burger even before you go out. Don’t wanna get serious with nobody if they just usin’ you for yer fresh, onion-free breath.

Pickles


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This here flavor mix — the tang of the pickles contrasting with the savory patty — CANNOT be beat! Oh, you say you don’t like pickles? You like just ONE flavor profile in yer giant meat sandwich? I tell you what, yer gonna find yerself one day lyin’ on yer death bed, just WISHIN’ you’d explored different flavors, mark my words. My granddaddy’s goin’ through that right now, lyin’ out in the living room, expectin’ the grim reaper to take him at any moment, just drinkin’ kombucha and wonderin’ what coulda been.

Rabbit


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While rabbit ain’t necessarily taste GOOD on a hamburger, it’s an important condiment to add on, since anyone seein’ you eatin’ it will know you got a stone heart willing to slaughter the cutest of animals. They will then know not to mess with ya, and that, dear friends… is the greatest gift… of all. *sniffles but in a very masculine way*

 

What do you put on your enormous, mouth-waterin’ hamburger? Why not let us know on Twitter there @SMOSH, huh?

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