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MOUTHFUL: What the Hell Is a Quinoa?!

mouthful quinoa head

It can be hard to eat like a grown-up, and that’s why yer hearin’ from ME, a grizzled, deranged cowboy (the most qualified adult, since no baby could survive on the open range). I’ll tell ya which foods are worthy of bein’ consumed by us tough-as-nails grown-ups. This here is MOUTHFUL, and today, we’re talkin’ QUINOA. Open up.

In medieval times, warlords used to put their enemies’ heads up on a spike to show opposin’ forces the extent of their dominance an’ cruelty. Of course, it was jus’ a couple of heads — them wars used to see hundreds of folks losin’ they lives in battle. But with them spiked-up heads, them warlords could make their enemies think about ’em what they wanted them to think about ’em..

mouthful quinoa head
The ULTIMATE medieval status symbol.
(source)

And folks, I’m here to tell you that you can do the same with quinoa! Yessir, that strange seed-based grain crop is a side-dish you can have on yer plate to point to, and make yer enemies think about you what you want ’em to think about you. In this case, you probably don’t want ’em to think yer cruel, but they will think yer healthy — and isn’t that even better?!

mouthful quinoa quinoa
You have a scoop of quinoa, and it don’t matter if the rest of yer meal is fried riblets with a side of whipped cream — folks’ll think yer diet is RIGHT ON TRACK.
(source)

But maybe I’m gettin’ ahead of m’self here. What the hell even IS quinoa? So, first of all, it’s like… small. And round. It’s a grain, but also, like, an orb? And there’s a lot of ’em. Lot of little quinoa orb combine to make up a side order of quinoa. Hmm. I know I ain’t explainin’ this right. Wait! I gots it!

mouthful quinoa dippin dots
Think of quinoa as warm, healthy Dippin’ Dots.
(source)

So when you order yerself up a double cheeseburger with extra lard schmear but also a side of quinoa, yes, yer family and friends eatin’ that meal with ya are gonna think yer a fitness nut. BUT HERE’S THE THING — that quinoa’s gonna actually taste good! I know! I was just as surprised when I first tried it as you surely are now! And I know, I know, quinoa’s somehow found itself in that sad, sorry category of hippie foods that get made fun of by folks who ain’t got any personality.

mouthful quinoa kale
“Them idiots sure do like eatin’ kale! Also I am alone all the time.”
(source)

But quinoa don’t DESERVE to be thought of as an eye-roll-worthy trendy health food — it deserves to be thought of as an eye-roll-worthy trendy right nummy food, like sriracha- and chipotle-flavored garbage got to be for so dang long! Heck, quinoa’s even right fun to eat!

mouthful quinoa bubble wrap
Chompin’ down on a mouthful of them quinoa orbs is like poppin’ 10 sheets of bubble wrap all at once!
(source)

THE VERDICT: Listen here, quinoa is great. It’s yummy as f*ck, but also, healthy as f*ck. That’s a winnin’ combination if I ever heard it. If’n yer lookin’ fer a side-dish to go along with that chicken you got in the oven, and you’ve FINALLY ACCEPTED THAT EATIN’ ALL THAT MAC AND CHEESE IS GONNA KILL YOU, FER THE LOVE OF CHRIST, quinoa is for you!

How much quinoa do you plan to eat over the upcoming long winter? Let us know on the goddang Twitter @SMOSH.

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mouthful quinoa bubble wrap
mouthful quinoa dippin dots
mouthful quinoa head
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