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MOUTHFUL: Orange Chicken? More Like Candy Chicken Fer Babies

It can be hard to eat like a grown-up, and that’s why yer hearin’ from ME, a deranged cowboy (the most qualified adult, since no baby could survive on the open range). I’ll tell ya which foods are worthy of bein’ consumed by us tough-as-nails grown-ups. This here is MOUTHFUL, and today, we’re talkin’ ORANGE CHICKEN. Open up.

Whenever anyone gets mall Chinese food, you know they gonna order themselves up some orange chicken. Hell, goin’ to a mall Chinese place and not gettin’ orange chicken is like goin’ to a waffle house and orderin’ a sausage biscuit — it’s what the dang place is known fer!

mouthful orange chicken sausage biscuit
My momma and me went to the Waffle House one time and she got a sausage biscuit. I ain’t talked to her since.
(source)

But here’s my big question on the orange chicken — why?! Why you gotta drop a bunch of sickly sweet syrup on yer chicken?!

mouthful orange chicken orange chicken
Might as well have Kool-Aide beef!
(source)

Fellas, you gotta listen to me here — chicken is tasty enough without that orange glop! Why, I’m even willing to go so far as to say that chicken the tastiest of all the meats. How you think chicken’s gonna feel if it finds out you mall Chinese food-eaters don’t think it’s good enough on its own?!

mouthful orange chicken sad chicken
“All I ever wanted was to be devoured by my lonesome.”
(source)

But I get it, some of us like seasoning on our chicken, and that’s fine. Heck, even I slap on a little barbecue sauce and salt (ground m’self by puttin’ a hunk of rock salt between m’ palms and squeezin’). But we should be strivin’ to make our meals HARDER to eat, not softer, so as to show our enemies that we can handle any and all adversity what comes our way! So if you want to eat orange chicken, how’s about you wrap up that tender in an ORANGE RIND?

mouthful orange chicken rind
NOW tell me how much you appreciate regular chicken.
(source)

Now, I know you like yer chicken to be nice and juicy — and too be fair, the orange slime surely does just that. But that’s not an excuse for cookin’ some not-so-great chicken in the first place! A last minute addition don’t make up for shoddy workmanship — that’s like craftin’ a gun what don’t shoot very far, and then slappin’ a knife on the barrel to throw at yer opponent afterwards!

mouthful orange chicken knife gun
Aw hell, they already made one of those?! I gotta get me one!
(source)

THE VERDICT: Orange chicken is an abomination — a slap in the face to power eaters and chicken animals alike. The only time you should feel more shame than when you eat orange chicken is if you run away from a bar brawl or drive a car what ain’t got manual transmission.

What are you gonna get at the mall Chinese place now that yer stones dropped and you done put orange chicken in yer past? Let us know on the goddang Twitter there @SMOSH.

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mouthful orange chicken sausage biscuit
mouthful orange chicken orange chicken
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i don’t get it

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