It can be hard to eat like a grown-up, and that’s why yer hearin’ from ME, a grizzled, deranged cowboy (the most qualified adult, since no baby could survive on the open range). I’m gonna tell ya which foods are worthy of bein’ consumed by us tough-as-nails grown-ups. This here is MOUTHFUL, and today we’re talkin’ ANGEL HAIR PASTA. Open up.
Good golly gosh there’s a lots of different kinds o’ pasta. We’ve got bow-tie, shells, ravioli, spaghetti, maca-goddamn-roni, fettuccini, fat-n-flat, them wheely guys, lasagna sheets, Ninja Turtle, and swirly-gig!
But when yer lookin’ to chow down on some pasta, there’s only one choice — angel hair. Them fine, silky noodles is the pasta of KINGS. (Well, not kings, because no man deserves tuh be ruled by another man, but you take m’ meaning.) Point is, angel hair is the goddang TRUTH.
But here’s a question some of you feeble-hearted ninnies might be askin’ — is angel hair pasta good for ya? And that is a very good question, because the answer is yes… AND IT IS ALSO NO. Now, you may be thinkin’ I’m jostlin’ back and forth between certainty and uncertainty like some sort of hand-wringin’ middle manager, but I assure you, I’m no such thing! There ain’t nothin’ worse than bein’ a hand-wringin’ middle manager!
Angel hair pasta is both good fer ya and NOT good fer ya because there’s two kinds of angel hair pasta! You got yer regular starchy pasta, and you got yer whole wheat pasta. How can you, a functionally brain-dead pile of trash, tell the difference? Why, the two pastas is different colors, o’ course!
A lot of folks just buy default angel hair pasta because it’s what they know, but hey geniuses — regular pasta and whole wheat pasta taste taste exactly the same! Ya might as well enjoy the health benefits of whole wheat pasta if yer slatherin’ em up with butter or alfredo or shrimp like I KNOW you are!
THE VERDICT: Listen, there’s no doubt in my mind that yer snackin’ on angel hair pasta at this very moment. Sh*t’s delicious. The question is, are you eating that whole wheat angel hair, or are you eatin’ that crammed-full-o’-starch nonsense that is standard angel hair pasta? If not, I simply have to believe you just ain’t tried whole wheat pasta, and at that point, well… golly. I feel bad for ya, I do! You gotta try new things! Get out in the world and explore! Yer gonna die one day! Y’know that, don’tcha?! GOOD GOD it infuriates me when a man ain’t out there tryin’ new things and lettin’ hisself atrophy! Go to hell, man lettin’ hisself atrophy! I’ma sock you right in the gut!
Why don’t ya just go ahead and give us yer EXPERT TAKE on angel hair pasta over there on twitter @Smosh, huh?