Last year, Nintendo announced the NES Classic, making us all realize how badly we wanted old school video games back in our life. The system — which came to be known as the NES mini — sold out nationwide, and it was still hard to find until just this week, when it was… discontinued. And it was a confusing move, to be sure — Nintendo is a company, and it had a way to make more money, and it decided to instead not make more money. It’s topsy-turvy! Totally backwards! Like everything I know about companies is turned on its head! We got cats and dogs living together!
But now we might know why — according to a report from Eurogamer, Nintendo killed the NES Mini so that the SNES Mini could live.
The Eurogamer report suggests the SNES Mini is already in development and will be released by the holidays this year. It also suggests that the plans for an SNES Mini are why Nintendo discontinued the still-hot NES Mini. But couldn’t Nintendo have sold both? I mean, they come bundled with different games. They didn’t discontinue M&Ms when peanut M&Ms came out.
In any event, we can expect the SNES Mini to have roughly the same number of games as the NES Mini — 30 in total, including, presumably, some stand-outs from third-party developers. So while every gaming website is writing up the exact same list of games they want featured (we get it, Donkey Kong Country 2 and Super Mario RPG belong on the list. And if everyone calls Actraiser a forgotten gem, is it really a forgotten gem?), we figured we’d list the games that absolutely must NOT be included in an SNES Mini. And they are:
Harley’s Humongous Adventure
For the longest time, I thought I dreamt this game. It is ostensibly about a man named Harley who is shrunk down and has to navigate a house at penny-size, but there’s also a lot of nonsense going on. Collectible screws float and rotate in the air, can lids open and close on their own to provide platforming obstacles, and plates fall off shelves and roll like Indiana Jones-esque boulders. Not one of those things happen when you really shrink down to penny-size! Not ONE!
This game looks like a drawing by a middle schooler who was just introduced to the concept of depth. Its score is haunting, its gameplay crude, and Beethoven, as a dog, is too big. It is unnatural, and makes me uncomfortable.
If I’m going to sim anything, it’s something I want to be, like a roller coaster tycoon. No one wants to be an ant, all makin’ colonies under little hills and picking up strawberries as a group! What an awful life to pretend to have for a minute on the Super Nintendo. Ants can’t even gamble!
Rise of the Robots
If I wanted to make generic robots fight each other, I’d draw a face on my trash can and throw it at an electronic can opener.
I do not think Home Improvement is relevant for today’s audience.
What games do you hope NEVER make it onto the SNES Mini? Let me know on Twitter @mikeymccollor!