Does Pineapple Belong on a Pizza? A RIGHT SPIRITED DEBATE! [Mouthful]

You’re an adult, t’be sure, but it can be hard to eat like one, what with all the diet plans and time commitments and cowardice deep within yer soul that you gots to deal with. That’s why yer hearin’ from ME, a grizzled, deranged cowboy (the most qualified adult, since no baby could survive on the open range) as to which foods are worthy of bein’ consumed by tough-as-nails adults and which ones ain’t. This here is MOUTHFUL, and today, we’re talkin’ PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA. Open up.

Does pineapple belong on a pizza? That there question’s been debated since the frontier was tamed (mostly by my grandpappy and his pappy before him). A lot of folks say pizza is a savory food, while a pineapple’s sweetness is foreign and therefore unappetizin’. And I cain’t disagree with that! Pineapple chunks have a tiny little burst of juice when you bite into ’em, and that can be right unsettlin’ when yer chowin’ down on a pizza pie.

mouthful pineapple pizza pizza
What’s to stop us from loadin’ up our pizzas with GRAPE GUSHERS?

But the other side makes a convincin’ argument as well! The folks who like pineapple on pizza say that sweetness cuts into the savory flavor and provides a perfect counterbalance, like when ya have just enough clouds in the sky when you go to a baseball game so you can still call it a gorgeous day but you got just enough cover to avoid gettin’ sunstroke!

mouthful pineapple pizza cloud
I’ll take the help cloud, but don’t you go tellin’ no one I couldn’ta beat the snot outta that irritatin’ sun on my lonesome.

So pineapple on pizza is both good AND bad?! Good golly, that is a pickle. But this is one of the tough parts about bein’ an adult — sometimes two opposite facts are true at the same time.

pineapple pizza mauraders
The other tough part of bein’ an adult is protectin’ yer home from vile marauders!

But doggone it all, I gotta render a verdict as to whether or not we grown-ups should be eatin’ pineapple on our pizzas, and that’s what I’m gonna do! So let’s make us up a little pro/ con list. First, the pros: pineapple is a fruit, and grown-ups should be eatin’ a lotta fruit — they’re a great source of FIBER!

mouthful pineapple pizza fruits
This gal’s BMs are right regular, and for that I salute her!

And when paired with ham, pineapple pizza becomes Hawaiian pizza. Adults LOVE Hawaii. They all wanna go on vacation there — it’s adult Valhalla! Heck, even the small-minded schlubs too afraid to travel and see the world because they’re afraid to break their routine wanna go to Hawaii.

mouthful pineapple pizza hawaiian guy
“Please point me towards a Jamba Juice.”

But now, let’s look at the cons of pineapple pizza. On one hand, pizza’s had vegetables and meats on top of it for forever — ain’t no need to reinvent the wheel. If we get too creative… well…. things can get outta hand.

mouthful pineapple pizza weird sandwiches
I done googled “weird sandwiches” and honest to god it’s like Subway hired Damien Hurst as its assistant manager.

Finally, as such a divisive topping, pineapple pizza undermines the very concept of pizza. The doggone food is supposed to be shared, and if there’s a toppin’ one of yer lily-livered compadres don’t like, they can pick it right off. That ain’t the case with pineapple pizza — even if’n you order half pineapple, half no pineapple, that sickly sweet juice will creep on over and infect the entire pie.

That said, sayin’ you don’t like pineapple when yer orderin’ a pie with a group and dicoverin’ if they take yer feelings into account is a good way to see which of yer friends are goddang psychopaths.

mouthful pineapple pizza friends
Not a one of these folks didn’t hurt animals when they was growin’ up.

THE VERDICT: Should you get pineapple on yer pizza? Sure, if ya like it! This is America, where yer free to do whatever ya want! And that means I’m free to not give a rip what you do! I ain’t yer mommy and I ain’t makin’ no more decisions for ya today!

Do you put pineapple on yer pizza? Why don’t you go ahead and let me know on Twitter?

Mikey McCollor
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