It’s no secret, cat people are weird, and I say that as a cat person. Cats are adorable, soft, mythic, and fuzzy. And their scratchy tongues are so cute. Maybe that’s why they incite such out-of-control obsession in the people who love them most. There is plenty of cute stuff out there if you want to make your life as cat-themed as possible — cat socks, shirts, pants, shoes, cups, headbands, etc. But that’s not what we’re interested in. No, sir. We’re interested in the weird sh*t. The stuff that was invented to satisfy the insane desires of the most cat-crazy among us. These are all completely real products that people who love cats can buy.
1) Cat backpack
Want to carry your cat around with you everywhere you go, while still allowing them to see — and be seen by — the world? Then you need the U-Pet Innovative Pet Carrier, which lets your cat feel like an astronaut or submarine passenger while enjoying the great outdoors with you.
2) LICKI Brush to lick your cat
Human tongues just aren’t good for licking cats! We can’t handle all that hair. Enter a truly innovative and insane product – the LICKI Brush, which you put in your mouth and use to lick your cat. The Kickstarter says it’ll bond you and your cat like mother and child, as if the type of person who wants to lick their cat really needed a reason.
3) DJ cat scratchpad
The SUCK UK Cat Scratching DJ Deck comes with a spinnable deck and movable arm, for the person who has always wanted to drop some beats with their cat.
4) PyroPet candle
I really like this candle, which starts as a cute cat candle and turns into a terrifying kitty skeleton. It’s for the person who loves cats but also likes to keep it real about what happens when we die.
5) Crafting with Cat Hair
This book tells you how to turn cat hair into crafts like finger puppets, picture frames, and “kitty tote bags”. This is maybe the funniest and weirdest thing I’ve ever heard of. Like, it’s gross, but not so gross it’s disturbing — just funny. The book has tons of five star reviews, including my favorite: “I purchased this book as I was tired of people sitting too near me on public transport. Worked like a charm.”
6) How to Make Your Cat an Internet Celebrity
Apparently this book is really funny, which is a bummer because I was looking for a serious guide. My cat is really cute and I would like to make a bucket of cash off of her ASAP.
7) Cat wine
Ever wanted to get drunk with your cat? Now you can! Apollo Peak cat wine has the intoxicating powers of catnip and comes in two flavors, Pinot Meow and MosCATo, in 1.6 or 8 meownce bottles. Catnip really does get your cat f*cked up so you can both be winos together! Just make sure you’re over 21 and your cat is at least one year and seven months old (in general to change cat years into human years, the first year of your cat’s life is 15 years, the second year is 10 years, and 4 years for every year after that).
8) Cosmic Cat Catnip Bubbles
If drinking wine with your cat is too straightforward for you (or perhaps not romantic ENOUGH) blow catnip bubbles in your cat’s face.
How many of these cat-products are you going to buy? Are you going to lick your cat? Be honest and tweet at me @erikaheidewald!