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8 Things Only Night Owls Will Understand

I am a total night owl. My preferred sleep schedule finds me going to bed around 3 or 4 and waking up around noon. That’s pretty much why I’m a listicle writer — every other job requires getting up too early. Also I have a burning passion for listicles. Anyway, I love being awake at night and I barely function during the daytime. Anyone else? Here are eight things only us night owls will understand.

1) I am my best self at night

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I am smarter, friendlier, prettier, and more energetic later in the day. In the morning I’m anti-social, quiet, and definitely less good-looking. I am basically just a mess before noon. Please don’t make me meet new people first thing in the morning. They’ll like me much better and vice versa if I can meet them after lunch.

2) I almost never eat breakfast

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Because I don’t wake up in time, I usually just skip straight ahead to lunch.

3) I’m not lazy, I’m just on a different schedule

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People who naturally leap out of bed at the crack of ass every morning think that makes them better than me, but let’s see you stay up until 4 AM studying without so much as a yawn. Waking up early does not make you a better person, it just makes you a person on an early schedule.

4) My peak energy for the day comes at about 10 PM

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I don’t even need a watch — I can tell when it’s around 10 PM because suddenly I’m ready to party. I spend all day tired, dreaming of the moment when I can lay in bed, and then as soon as it’s actually time to go to bed I hate sleeping and just want to hang out on Tumblr all night.

5) Waking up early is basically the worst thing ever

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If you ever want to torture me (please don’t), just wake me up at 6 AM. And then play Dave Matthews Band. Wait, why am I telling you how to torture me?!

6) The entire world is AGAINST ME

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School and most jobs start first thing in the morning, meaning the world is completely set up for morning people. Trader Joe’s closes at 10, which means I’ll almost never make it. If a store isn’t open until at least midnight, there’s a good chance I’ll never go there.

7) Night Me f*cks over Morning Me every single day

I’ve never identified with anything more than this Seinfeld clip about Night Guy and Morning Guy. I’m Night Guy and Morning Guy can go f*ck himself, always (until it’s the morning and I regret everything immensely).

8) This basically sums up my existence:

Me.

Are you a night owl? There have to be some more of us out there! Tweet me and commiserate @erikaheidewald!

Contributor: 
Erika Heidewald
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Mass images: 
hyper dog gif
Chris Farley gif
Tom Hiddleston gif
Homer breakfast gif
not fair gif
tonight guy gif

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