If you’d told me when I was thirteen and constantly being teased about playing video games that they’d eventually go mainstream, I wouldn’t have believed you. But it’s true — video games are no longer just for dorks. That means it’s time for them to really cash in and start getting that endorsement deal money. I’m not talking about any of the failed loser mascots of the past, I’m talking about THE BIG STARS getting BIG STAR DEALS! Here are some of my incredibly innovative ideas…
Sonic The Hedgehog, Hair Products
I know they’re quills, but let’s be honest — it just looks like Sonic has spikey blue hair. I mean, he never used his quills, and no one ever went “ouch” when they touched him (or were his quills the reason he could hurt enemies when he rolled into them? Please don’t ruin this for me.)
Mario, The Olive Garden
Look, Mario is already a borderline offensive stereotype of an Italian person. Why wouldn’t he also endorse a borderline offensive impression of Italian food? Of course, Mario games are always of the highest quality, so it’s not a PERFECT match.
A Soldier From Call Of Duty, Some Sort Of Veteran’s Charity
I know we all enjoy the war games and whatnot, but how about an occasional reminder that violence has consequences, even on the people who make it home? I know it would help me shrug off all of the violence I’ve subconsciously internalized if I had some sort of token charity thing to ease my guilt.
The Vault Boy, Frozen TV Dinners
With Fallout’s whole ’50s aesthetic, I decided to ask the question: what else is very ’50s? The answer is, of course, frozen TV dinners. With the advent of the microwave, America fell in love with rubbery, bland trash that was somehow still incredibly high in sodium despite its unbelievable blandness. So why not slap Vault Boy on some TV dinner classics, like Salisbury steak and fried chicken? Dinner. Dinner never changes…
So, here’s the thing; the current rate at which we consume meat is wildly, almost hilariously unsustainable. But protein can be hard to come by in a vegetarian or vegan diet, so what’s a cure for that problem? Eating. Bugs. I’m being serious. I am not a crackpot. Think about it — we hate bugs, the damn Earth is covered in them, and lots of cultures already eat them. In this desperate time of need, what lovable mascot is more suited to get people to eat bugs than gaming’s favorite lizard, Yoshi? None, is what I say.
Geralt Of Rivia, Condoms
Let’s be real — Geralt is horny to an absurd degree. And safe sex may not have been necessary in Kaedwen, but this is Earth in 2016, and dammit, we try to be responsible! So send a good message, Geralt.
Solid Snake, Therapy
You know who seems to have an enormous amount of father issues? Ol’ Snake here. What better person would there be to encourage people to lay down on that therapist’s couch and just really gush about how they never asked to be cloned in a lab, and Big Boss never tried to understand them. Maybe they didn’t want to be the government’s deadliest agent! Maybe they wanted to dance, dammit!
What video game character would you buy from? Let us know on Twitter @Smosh!