There are some toys I loved so much as a kid that, now, as an adult, I really have to wonder how I ever did anything other than dump ‘em straight in the trash. I don’t mean unsettling toys, but the kinds of toys that made you wonder later in life “How could I possibly find that fun for even a second?” Well, I will be silent no more, I’M CALLING THESE TOYS OUT! Here are the weird-ass toys I don’t know how I liked as a kid.
Utilizing a similar system as an Easy-Bake Oven, where you pour some goo into a mold, then shove it in a plastic box where it’s cooked with a lightbulb, Creepy Crawlers lacked one key thing that made an EBO appealing — you couldn’t eat anything you made. You just sort of had wriggly, plastic bug things. Also, you probably burned yourself at least a few times while playing with these things, and for what? So you could maybe use them to gross out a sibling, until they became so desensitized to your little gag that they wouldn’t flinch if there were an actual centipede in their bed? Wow, what a great toy.
Mighty Max was a tiny playset that could be folded up and easily transported to, say, a friend’s house, or whatever boring thing your parents dragged you to. But you know what else about Might Max was easy? Losing every G-D piece that it came with. Then you essentially had an uninteresting display of a theoretical bad guy’s layer. I don’t know anyone who owned one of these and didn’t end up with Max meeting his most likely terrible fate — getting sucked up by the vacuum cleaner.
Monster In My Pocket
These small rubber monsters would’ve escaped this article if they hadn’t come with little numbers stamped on their feet, indicating how tough they were. Hey, toy designers; I paid the 7.95 for the package of four, I’LL decide which ones are powerful!
Initially, Boglins were super cool and smelled unbelievably gross when they were fresh out of the package, but as you played with them, the truth would dawn on you — you’re playing with a puppet! That makes you a puppeteer, which means you’re not that far from being some sort of ventriloquist! Is that what you want, a gateway toy to being a ventriloquist?
Crap ass wannabe Play-Doh Motherf*cker. Sure, silly putty can bounce like a ball, and you can lift newsprint off with it (much less of a selling point in the year of our lord 2016), but having something soft that theoretically can be molded into shapes is annoying when you realize it can’t actually be molded into shapes. Silly Putty doesn’t hold any kid of form, and sticks to itself so aggressively, it always ends up in one of two shapes — sphere, or some sort of log. Not a lot of long term value here.
The Grape Escape
The Grape Escape is one of the all-time great board games let-downs — you spend fifteen minutes perfectly setting up all the stupid traps, then another five making the Play-Doh grapes, then you end up playing an entire game without anyone’s character getting maimed by one of the traps! I paid good money to watch a grape get stepped on by a boot, and you’re going to tell me that no one died during this otherwise basic-ass game?! Even as a kid, I should’ve known what a rip-off that was.
Not edible, highly flammable, sometimes leaving greasy stains on whatever it came in contact with — why would anyone sell Silly String to someone under the age of thirty, let alone a child? And why did I think it was fun to screw around with? At least water guns got you wet, and Nerf toys could maybe-theoretically take someone’s eye out. Silly String had no consequences!
Did I besmirch a beloved childhood toy of yours? Conversely, did I forget something that you now realize was the bane of your existence? Let us know on Twitter @Smosh!