Men love growing big manly beards, but there are actually a lot of drawbacks to the lumberjack look. For instance, having a beard is literally the worst thing ever. You think I’m being extreme in making that statement? Well, read on, because there are some very good reasons why this men’s trend is worse than peeing yourself on national TV, spontaneously catching on fire, and a nuclear holocaust all at the same time.
Beards Have Poop Germs
We all saw that article when it was going around. We should all know this by now. Poop germs live in beard sometimes. Technically it’s not germs from poop, just the same germ that lives in poop. But still. Super gross.
They’re Scratchy AF
Kissing a dude with a beard is itchy. Beard burn is real. And it hurts. Why would you ever want to subject the person you love to such torture? Shouldn’t you want your kisses to feel sweet and not like sandpaper? Your girlfriend shouldn’t have to walk around with a red, raw face from all those scratchy kisses, not with all of the major advances we’ve made in facial hair grooming technology in modern times!
Girls Don’t Dig Them as Much as You Think They Do
Studies have shown that women find men with beards to be older, angrier, not hotter. But also smarter? But women aren’t attracted to wizards (and if you are — no judgments). Bearded men are also perceived as less cheerful, generous and caring. If you want to keep your beard, you’re going to have to hold a lot of puppies and kittens to compensate for how your beard makes you look.
Ryan Gosling Can’t Even Pull One Off
The most tear-jerking part of The Notebook was realizing that not even Ryan Gosling can make a scraggly beard look good. Why would he ruin his impossibly perfect face with that nest for small rats hanging from his chin? You know that Noah and Allie’s love was true because she was willing to overlook the fact that it looked like something died on his face.
Rich Men Don’t Have Beards
98% of the world’s richest men are clean shaven. You’d think that there too busy making the big bucks to be bothered for petty things like shaving, but no. All of those billionaires are also baby-smooth.
Fidel Castro had a Beard
We all know that Fidel Castro was totally not cool and he had a beard. Therefore, beards must be totally not cool. The bearded dictator went up against the clean-shaven John F. Kennedy during the Cuban Missile Crisis, and guess who won? That’s right. The dude without face fuzz.
They Are Not Magic
Sampson may have lost all of his power when Delilah cut his hair. It would be super cool if growing a beard could make you lift a car off of someone. But realistically, there’s no magic in beards. They don’t give you strength. Maybe that’s the worst thing about beards? They’re the ultimate bait and switch.
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