Everyone agrees, Pokémon are our kings and shall be respected as such (or, at least, we like them a lot). But when Pokémon Go came out, I realized that people want Pokémon to exist in the real world?! Well I’m here to tell you that buddy, you do not! Even the most minor, seemingly sweet Pokémon could spell death for us all. We all know Zapdos or Mewtwo could tear apart the planet, but even these smaller Pokémon will devastate everything as well!
Dangers: Compulsive fire breath, roar attack, kinda scary
Growlithes are relatively common, and due to their resemblance to dogs, they’re often kept as pets in the anime and video game. Yet something about these creatures has to be taken into account — they’re fire breathing mammals. How does owning them work exactly? Do you have to train them not to breathe fire? Do you go to the Poké-vet to have their fire taken out? Evidence seems to point to “very no”. There’s no way arout it, if Growlithes were owned as pets our wold would be one of constant flame, as though every stove had been left on at once.
Dangers: Easily becomes bigger fish
Magikarps are cartoonishly common and cartoonishly weak. Armed only with splash and found everywhere, they seem like they couldn’t pose a threat to anyone. However, at level 20, Margikarps become Gyarados, a Pokémon that creates horrifying storms and devours ships. Imagine if every goldfish you met grew up to cause Hurricane Sandy? Not great!
Dangers: Pikachu is a living third rail.
I see rats scurry around the city all the time, but none of them have the power of a third rail. But Pikachu? PIkachu sure does. Heck, the things even have a thunderbolt attack — nature itself is coming out of a tiny mouse who could hide behind an oven. I don’t know how the citizens of Kanto make it from one day to the next knowing there are Pikachus hanging around.
Dangers: A big fat animal fell asleep on the road and now the city is closed
This one might be more on Kanto than on Snorlax, but a real-life gigantic sleeping Pokémon who takes giant naps in the middle of the road would be an issue. And you know what wakes up Snorlax? It’s not some government service with a plan. It’s a Pokéflute. A Pokéflute played by you. That you get from another town. If you don’t have a Pokéflute at the go, and a Snorlax is blocking your only path to get one, guess what? Your city just became a tomb.
Dangers: He’s a tiny rock-throwing man
Geodude is a tiny floating man who throws rocks at people. Hard rocks. The Kanto region is lucky he can be taken out with a fire hose or a well placed leaf, or else Geodude would simply be a creature of domestic terrorism.
Dangers: Spontaneous knock-out sleep
Jigglypuff makes people take big naps randomly and immediately simply by singing its own name. Seemingly unaware of the dangerous effect of its singing, if Jigglypuff starts sending folks to dreamland near a highway or an active construction site, the carnage would be unthinkable!
Legit, Any Psychic Pokémon
Dangers: Anything, everything
“Sorry, I’m late boss, a slug with feet just jumped out of the water and mind controlled me! Then a giant mime man did the same! Yeah, it was messed up! I experienced my worst nightmares and then they got eaten. Oh yeah, no, they trigger every awful thought in my head and eat my memories every morning! They’re just casually hanging by the road! No big deal!” This is all spoken out loud in an empty room. I do not understand.
What Pokémon do you think are just too dangerous to exist in the wild? Are there any on this list you’d love to chance it with? Let me know on Twitter at @AlexFirer, where I respond to everyone, regardless of which Pokémon Go team they’re on.