Puberty, what a time to be alive! You’re growing in all directions. You’re ejecting things that both disgust and excite you. It’s truly a roller coaster ride of bodily functions all working to thrust you into the adult world as a suddenly sexual beast. Although you might hate puberty while it’s happening, there are definitely things you’ll miss about it once it’s over:
1. Blaming Puberty for Your Voice
Sure, Ariel had a beautiful voice, but Eric’s was a hot mess in his teens. It was okay, though, because he could blame puberty. But what about when your voice continues to crack when you’re twenty-six and married to a girl who brushes her hair with a fork? No one to blame but your sad, sad self.
2. Thinking Pimples are Just a Phase
Remember when you got a sprinkling of pepperoni puffs on your forehead and little lava leakers on your cheeks? (You didn’t give cute names to your pimples? That’s unfortunate.) Your parents assured you it was just a phase and that after you reached maturity you could kiss salicylic acid goodbye. That was a cruel joke. The pimples never end. They pop up whenever wherever. One time I got a pimple on my shoulder. ON MY SHOULDER.
3. Getting Taller
During puberty you grew like Kylie Jenner’s Instagram following. You thought, “I could be a model! I could play basketball! Who knows how tall I’ll be!” I know how tall you’ll be. You’ll be just the right height to make finding a partner of suitable height impossible. And you’ll never become a model or basketball star because of those aforementioned pepperoni puffs.
4. Growing Boobs
For the ladies in the audience, you thought your boobs would grow into majestic mountains, perfectly perky and proportional. Lol. We all know that didn’t happen. They’re completely different sizes, pointing in completely different directions, and way less fun than when you put tennis balls under your shirt.
5. Your First Shave
When you first started shaving, you felt on top of the world. You didn’t understand why people complained about having to shave. But that was when your parents were buying your Schick Intuition with four blades at $17.49 or your fancy men’s razor with four blades, yes FOUR BLADES, and a cushion gel squishy strip. (I am not man.) Now you have to steal single-use blades from the gym and use them until you finally have to own up to the fact that they turned rusty weeks ago.
6. Justified in Being a Brat
During puberty, you were overcome with the feels both good and bad. It seemed like your parents’ sole purpose was to ruin your life. You might’ve told them you hated them or they were the worst parents ever and YOU MEANT IT. But now you realize that you’re just a spoiled brat and you should’ve treated them better.
Going through puberty? Send us a pic of your little lava leakers! Done with puberty? I’ll send you a pic of my little lava leakers! Watch out for a private message from this account: @AndiHester.