We’ve all seen summer movies and by now we;re all sick of the impossible standards they set. It’s not fair to compare the fictitious realities of films with the humdrum mundane reality of actual life. No one has a perfect summer and I’m here to set the record straight. Movies taught us certain things are common during a summer vacation, and some of them simple NEVER happen in real life. Here are the things you can go ahead and stop excepting to happen during your summer break.
Meeting A Mentor That Will Have a Lasting Impact On You
You might have mentors who impacts your life, but they will invariably be teachers, coaches, bosses, or aging kung-fu masters, not randos you meet during the summer. And yeah, every now and again you might meet a camp counselor or summer job supervisor who says something like “Hang in there, buddy” and makes think, “they’re right — I should hang in there!” But that isn’t going to have a lasting impact on you. Three months is just too little time to cultivate a meaningful mentor/mentee relationship. Which brings me to my second point…
Make A Bunch of New Friends
If you’re lucky, you’ll make ONE new friend over the summer. And right around the end of September, you’ll stop talking to them and then they’ll just be someone you’re friends with on Facebook well into your 20s until you finally decided to clean house and unfriend people you don’t interact with regularly. And as you sit there with your mouse hovering over the unfriend button, you’ll remember that summer you spent together and you’ll smile and long for a simpler time. But then you will unfriend them and move on to the next person you barely know.
Find That Your One True Love Has Been Right In Front Of You This Whole Time
Will you date someone over the summer? Sure, why not? Or maybe you won’t. Not everyone has summer flings and that’s fine too. But you know what definitely WON’T happen? You won’t spend all summer with someone you already know and then have a little summer fling with someone else that ends badly, only for you to realize that the person you really care about was right in front of you this whole time. There just isn’t enough time! Two relationships? In one summer? What are you, a wizard Casanova? And even if that scenario happens to you verbatim, it’s just you rebounding off of your summer fling, and that person you knew all along should feel bad because they’re at best a second choice and at worst a last resort.
Earn The Respect of Your Step-Father Doug
I am so tired of seeing this in movies! A young kid who is on the outs finally pulls it all together by the end of the summer, just in time to earn the respect of his step-father Doug. That just doesn’t happen in real life. Doug is impossible to please. It’s almost as if he gets off on being withholding.
Have Conversations With Real People And Not Just The Cans You Have Fashioned Into Crude Dolls
In basically every movie about summer I’ve ever seen, there’s at least one scene where a character has a conversation with other people and not just the dolls they have created with basic things they found in the trash. I get that the other people they’re talking too are paid actors, but still, in real life that just never happens. During the summer months you are LUCKY if you’re able to scavenge enough leftover parts to create more than one crudely fashioned doll with whom you can share your most intimate secrets. I could understand if the dolls in movies looked unrealistically better than our real-life can dolls, but you lose me entirely when instead of a doll that the person is slowly falling in love with over their summer break it is another living, breathing human. Really. it’s just gross.
Leaving The Safety Of Your House To Venture Into The Unknown Dangers Of The Outside World Exposing Yourself To Germs And Violence And Almost Certain Death
I know Hollywood uses stunt doubles, but people leaving the safety of their own home to do things outside during SUMMER, the most dangerous time of the year (tied with Fall, Winter, and Spring)? Yeah right buddy. Whatever studio exec came up with that one should be fired for sure. No one can possibly believe this is real when the outside world is so scary and big and unknowable.
Are there other tropes of summer vacation movies that Hollywood tries to pass off as real, but you know better and I forgot to mention? Please correct my mistake on Twitter @Smosh!.