There’s a pandemic of coldness throughout the world, mostly among girls and people without a lot of body fat (I’m one of those, feel free to guess which). Those who don’t suffer from Intense Constant Coldness Syndrome tease us, refuse to turn the AC down, and fail to understand our struggles. But we will be silent no longer. There was a freaking New York Times article about us! We are One. We are Legion. We are Freezing Our Asses Off. Here are six things only people who are always cold will understand.
1) 65 degrees is not an acceptable indoor temperature
Set it to 70. Set. It. To. 70. I know sweaty people feel better when their house feels like an igloo, but I’m already majorly compromised at 70. At that temperature, I’m cold and need to go put on some layers. I’d prefer 78. But at 65 I want to die and have my ghost come back and haunt you.
2) “Put on a sweater” doesn’t work when I’m wearing five layers
People who don’t feel cold all the time do not understand what this is like. I’m not chilling at school in a tank top like “omg guys, turn the heat on!” No, I am most likely wearing four to five layers and I’m still visibly shivering. Right now I’m wearing a scarf inside — and not one of those little hipster scarves. The kind that doubles as a bath towel.
3) I get so cold I feel the icy hand of death upon me
The way I feel cold is not the way Non-Cold people feel cold. When I feel cold, I feel like I am dying. I feel my internal organs shutting down, I start reminiscing on childhood memories, my brain cells fizzle out one by one. I get cold to the very core of my body, and I’ll be shaking and my teeth chattering next to some asshole in a wife beater. I can’t text because I can’t feel my fingers. SOMETIMES I CAN’T TEXT! Imagine how terrible that is!
4) AC in the summer means I have to wear pants all year
In freshman year, I had a class that was so cold, I couldn’t wear shorts on Mondays, Wednesdays, OR Fridays even though it was seriously 100 degrees out in August. The only other option would be to wear completely different outfits for indoors and outdoors, which is insane. There are very few days of the year that I get to wear shorts and tank tops, and I have to choose my destinations carefully. Going to the mall? Better change into pants.
5) I go to the club in a coat
Believe me, I see all the girls suffering in their cute mini-dresses and I wish I could be that cute, but I just can’t. I would die before I ever got inside, or I would at least be complaining so much that nobody would want to talk to me. No, I have to just wear normal clothes suited towards the outdoor temperature. Thank God I’m gay, because practical clothes seem more acceptable in our community.
6) The trend of tying shirts around your waist is a lifesaver
I cannot leave the house without a jacket, no matter what the temperature. For years I had to just carry it like a moron or figure out something else to do with this godforsaken jacket any moment I wasn’t wearing it. And tying a jacket or shirt around your waist used to be fashion suicide, reminiscent of the ’90s in the worst way. But the fashion gods have smiled upon us chilly folk and made a flannel around our waists cool again. Or should I say… warm again. I am f*cking dreading the day this goes out of style again. And fanny packs. I just like those.
Are you always cold? Do you understand the struggle? Let me know @erikaheidewald!