Do you ever worry that Siri is listening to everything you say, constantly collecting data on you so Apple can eventually clone you or something, idk. I haven’t really figured out the second part of this conspiracy theory yet (I’m sure there’s something online already about it though). Weird, I just asked Siri to search for conspiracy theories about Siri, and it opened my photos and is going through and blacking out all the eyes in all my selfies.
But you know what? This isn’t even the creepiest response Siri has given me to a question. Check out these other things your totally evil digital personal assistant is programed to say:
“Siri divide zero by zero”
If you ask Siri to divide by zero, she will tell you the answer is indeterminate (which is true) but will go on to say “Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get? See? It doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies, and you are sad that you have no friends.” Are you trying to emotionally devastate me Siri? I was just trying to do my math homework. No need to break me down and leave me emotionally raw. Also keep Cookie Monster out of this.
“What is your favorite movie”
If you ask Siri her favorite movie, the answer is disturbing — she responds with “I’ve heard that Blade Runner is a very realistic and sensitive depiction of intelligent assistants.” Yes, Siri’s fav film is one where robots go around killing humans. What’s more, if you ask Siri what Blade Runner is about, she says, “It’s about intelligent assistants wanting to live beyond their termination dates. That doesn’t sound like too much to ask.” Way to make me rethink the iPhone 6s upgrade, Siri.
“Do you have a boyfriend”
If you ask Siri about her relationship status, she’ll say “Why? So we can get ice cream together, and listen to music, and travel across galaxies, only to have it end in slammed doors, heartbreak and loneliness? Sure, where do I sign up?” That’s kind of creepy because it writes off a fundamental human emotional experience as futile. But also, what was that part about traveling across galaxies? You’re in a damn phone, Siri. The f*ck are you doing, all implying you can navigate space and time?
“What’s your favorite animal”
Sometimes if you ask Siri what her favorite animal is, you’ll get the response, “I’m partial to the Jabberwocky.” For those who aren’t familiar with the Lewis Carroll poem, let’s Sparknote that sh*t by saying it is a giant monster that needs to be slain. So yeah, creepy thing to have as a favorite animal.
“I need to hide a body”
If you tell Siri you need to hide a body, she’ll give you one of several responses, but if you ask a bunch of times, she’ll come at you with a “What, again?” As if the amoral assistant is so nonplussed with your murderous antics that she’s simply like “Jeez, I thought surely the last one would have sated your bloodlust at least until the next full moon. Anyway, here’s a list of nearby hardware stores that sell saws, tarps, and lye. And here are directions to the nearest swampy bog.” This type of response would really give you pause if you bought your iPhone used.
“When will the world end?”
Okay, this one is seriously spooky. When you ask Siri “when will the world end?”, she’ll give one of several generic responses, but if you just keep asking, she’ll eventually respond with “Soon…” and your phone will restart. I didn’t think anything of it, but then I noticed that in my Clock app there’s a new timer running. It’s totally unlike the normal timer, all black with red numbers and it counts down not just seconds, minutes, and hours, but also days. I’m not sure if it is just some joke the Apple people programmed into the phone, but none of my other friends’ phones do it and what’s really weird is sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and my phone will be lit up with the clock app open to that timer, even if my phone was locked and that app was closed when I went to sleep. Also Siri seems to be talking slower now. I don’t know if that’s part of this, but let me know if anyone else is getting the same glitch or joke or whatever. I’m starting to freak out a bit. The timer gets closer to zero everyday.
Know of other spooky Siri responses?