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6 Reasons Time Traveling Would Be Absolute Trash

Do you ever feel like you were born in the wrong era? Would you like to time travel back to that place to live there instead of here in the present? You would? Well calm the f*ck down, because time traveling would be absolute garbage and anyone who wishes they could do it is basically insane. Even if you forget all of the conventions of physics that make traveling back in time impossible, the idea that living in a bygone era would be in any way fun is a horrible misconception perpetuated by Doctor Who, The Magic Treehouse Books, and Classic Rock radio stations. Here is a short list of reasons why time travel is trash:

You can’t speak any of the languages

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Do you speak Latin? Oh you do? Well congratu-f*cking-lations! Too bad you’re time traveling back to the Muromachi Period in Japan. You speak Japanese too? You DO? Who are you the f*cking Pope? Normal people don’t speak both Latin AND Japanese! The point is, any time travel would have to be confined to a region and era that speaks the same language as you. Unless you plan on spending a lot of time learning a new language before heading back, you could probably cross of MOST OF HUMAN HISTORY off of the places you could successfully travel back to if English is the only language you speak. (If you’re bi- or trilingual, congratulations. Seriously. That’s super impressive. You are a better person than me.)

You look out of place, and will probably be burned as a witch for that

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Unless you’re imagining a Quantum Leap-type situation where you time travel back in time by hopping into someone else’s body (and I seriously doubt you are because that reference predates me and I’m the one making it), there a lot of places in time that won’t be crazy about you if you look different. For instance, even a straight white male probably acts differently than Renaissance-era Italians. And the fact that you know the world is round (OR DO YOU??? TILA TEQUILA IS MAKING SOME PRETTY INTERESTING POINTS OVER ON TWITTER… IDK CHECK IT OUT…) and that the moon isn’t made of cheese (OR IS IT? WALLACE & GROMIT’S “A GRAND DAY OUT” IS MAKING A PRETTY COHERENT ARGUMENT IMO) will probably end up making so you do things that will convince everyone around you that you’re a witch. You think meat should be cooked fully for health reasons? Well buddy, I got bad news because that’s not how we do things in 1323 and I think YOU need to be cooked fully at the STAKE! BURN HIM! BURN THE WITCH!

Even if you become a living god, you’ll never heard your favorite song again

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Imagine you use your vast knowledge of science and history and culture and sports to your advantage when traveling back in time. You probably could dominate the world if you play your cards right (assuming you paid attention in school/have seen Back to the Future II and can get your hands on a sports almanac). But even if you go back in time and discover America, cure polio, invent the airplane, and bet on the Buster Douglas to beat Mike Tyson in the Heavyweight Title match in 1990, you still won’t ever get to hear your favorite song from this era again. You will never see your favorite movie, or read your favorite beautifully-crafted listicle. And I know it is less important, but you will also never again see anyone you love or ever knew from the present day.

Honestly, you will probably die quickly and horribly

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Did you know that there was a time when credible doctors believed in “water therapy”, where they would just pour water on an open wound and hope it would get better? You know what time period that was? The 1800s. And things only get worse if you head further back in time. You stub your toe in 1642 and they would just cut that shit off. You get the hiccups in 300CE and the best medical doctors in the field assume the only cure was to feed you to ravenous wolves.

Getting places will suck

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Maybe you REALLY want to know what New York in the 1820s was like, and I get that. But maybe I can appeal to your human knack for convenience? You know how most people got around for most of human history? Walking. Sure, you might just travel back to when there were cars, or maybe you’re like “What about horses?” and I would reply “What ABOUT horses? Those creepy alien-looking monsters that have knees going all kinds of wrong directions?” Even if you head to a place with cars or trains or horses, you’re still going to have a harder time getting around than you do in today’s world. Like if you are in the the 1820s in New York and you want to go see Los Angeles too, you better want to see the 1830s Los Angeles, because it is going to take a long-ass time to get there.

If you did anything of significance, you would create paradoxes and probably unmake your existence

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Traveling back to the past means you could butterfly-effect your way into somehow unmaking the 2004 hit thriller The Butterfly Effect staring the incomparable Aston Kutcher. And that would be a travesty on par with unmaking your own existence, sleeping with your own great-great-grandparent, or causing a Man In The High Castle-like alternate universe where HD-DVD won the format wars. And do you really want the weight of that on your conscience, while you die from scurvy on a boat ride across the Atlantic, while NOT listening to the new Drake album unable to tell the Spanish captain that you just need some fruit because you don’t speak that kinda Spanish?

Are you still unconvinced? Lay out your sound reasoning in a 1000 to 2000 word rebuttal that I will read and then address point by point (or just tweet at us @Smosh).

Contributor: 
James Shickich
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