6 Foods I LOVE But Can Rarely Even Finish

It’s no secret that marketing is a powerful tool. Why, I own many things that, the second after I bought them, I realized they were bad and I didn’t want them. So, it is with much regret I must present the following list of foods that always sound very good to me, but I quickly realize I am not interested in finishing.

Onion Rings

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I don’t think I’ve ever had a well-seasoned onion ring? Every time I order them, I’m incredibly excited about my fun “splurge”, but then I get them and I’m like “Oh yeah, these are fried, battered onions.” Really, I should just order like, a strip of batter or something.

Pretty Much All Cake

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As I’ve gotten older, my sweet tooth has largely abandoned me. Sure, I still eat a cookie or three sometimes, but every single piece of cake I’ve ever had put in front of me starts off fantastic, and ends up, by the end, as a slog.

Steak Fries

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Too much potato, my friends. Too much potato…

Anything That Prominently Features Pork Belly

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Pork Belly is one of those hip food items that, thankfully, is finally starting to not be featured on every menu in America. It’s so damned rich; it’s the fatty belly of the pig, and it is incredibly easy for it to overwhelm your palate.

Pancakes

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The late Mitch Hedberg was the first person I ever heard also express my secret shame; I dread pancakes. “Let’s go get pancakes!” people will say, and I’ll respond with “Oh yeah, awesome!” as thick beads of sweat begin to form on my face, knowing that at some point they’ll look over at me during the meal and say “Don’t you like them?” Yes, I did like them, but now I don’t. Because they are fried batter, covered in liquid syrup and butter, and man was not meant to consume such things.

Fried Chicken

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I know, I know; I’m as upset as you are. But while wings aren’t a problem for me to eat in perpetuity, eating more than one or two pieces of fried chicken is trouble for me. The first problem is that most places don’t make fried chicken very well, and the other problem is that it rapidly becomes kind of the same — fried chicken is a dish that sometimes looks more exciting than it actually tastes. PLEASE NOTE: I am not including hot and spicy fried chicken in this statement, as that absolutely rules.

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