Guys, if you like gaming, just play on the up-and-up. Sure, it’s tempting to descend into the seedy underbelly of game piracy and rage-quitting and cheats and whatnot, but devs are wise to your antics, and they’re getting much more creative with their methods of dealing with you. Here are five awesomely righteous punishments handed down in the world of video games.
Game Dev Tycoon goes super-duper meta
This punishment is so meta, it breaks the fourth, fifth, and sixth walls (I don’t know what the fifth and sixth walls are, you figure it out). If you played a pirated version of Game Dev Tycoon (that the devs themselves uploaded after they noticed a spike in the playing of pirated copies), then you yourself, as a fictional game dev tycoon, will be told that gamers are playing YOUR games illegally, and eventually your company will crash and burn into bankruptcy. Now if only Street Fighter developers would send real world warriors to uppercut pirates and cheaters into oblivion.
Banjo-Kazooie erases your whole save if you’re a filthy cheater
Back in the good ol’ days of gaming, GameSharks weren’t just super lame-sounding hustlers that hung around arcades, they were amazing little devices that let you beat any game in any way you could think of without even a hint of difficulty. The developers of Banjo-Kazooie didn’t like that too much, so they programmed the game so that the witch Gruntilda (with ample warning, of course) would just delete your entire game if you insisted on cheating. Haven’t you ever seen Thinner? NEVER piss off a witch. Or cheat at her weird video game.
Arkham Asylum makes you hilariously bad at being Batman
If you illegally downloaded the PC version of the first Arkham game, 2009’s Batman: Arkham Asylum, Batman’s signature gliding ability would mysteriously vanish, leaving the Dark Knight to haplessly flap his wings before plummeting to the ground. The only thing better than imagining enraged pirates is a confused Bruce Wayne trying to fly. “I am the night.” WHOOSH. “Wait, SH*T–“
If you steal in Link’s Awakening, everyone will know and judge you
This isn’t so much of a cheat as others might be, but you REALLY have to put in some Herculean effort to pull it off. In Link’s Awakening, you can try to walk right out of the shopkeeper’s store without paying for your purchase. No big deal, he catches you in the act and tells you to fork over some cash. But if you persist, you can trick him and dash off with some free goodies. Only now, everyone you encounter in the game will refer to you as THIEF instead of the name you entered. Sure, not much of a punishment, but you just start to feel gross after a while. OH, and that shopkeeper? He’ll kill you if he sees you again. So just pay for those bombs, kids. You’ll be happy to feel like you’ve earned them.
Quantum Break makes pirates look like for-real pirates
Speaking of punishments that silently judge you, earlier this year, if Remedy devs thought you might be playing a less-than-official copy of Quantum Break, they would slap a cute lil’ eye-patch on you, complete with skull-and-crossbones. Maybe you didn’t want to be a pirate, but you had to go and be a l33t hax04 or whatever, SO YOU’LL TAKE THAT PATCH AND YOU’LL LIKE IT.
How would you like rage-quitters to be viciously punished? Let me know on Twitter!