5 Superheroes Who Have Murder Powers but Somehow Don't Murder

Mainstream super heroes generally don’t kill anybody, since comic book companies don’t want kids knowing death is real. This is never an issue for a super hero like Spider-Man, since he’s got adorable webs and wise cracks and just punches folks. But for a lot of other heroes, it’s weird not to see the occasional fatality. A lot of “super powers” are basically just killing powers. Marvel or DC have to work REALLY HARD to keep some heroes from using use their killing power for killing. For instance:

Wolverine

Dude has murder claws. That’s his power. Well, there’s also the healing power, but even that means Wolverine can kill and kill and then heal quickly and go back to kill some more. But, somehow, Wolverine manages to almost never kill anyone. It makes no sense. If you had foot long razor sharp claws coming out of your hands it would basically be impossible not to kill at least, like, ACCIDENTALLY some times. “Hey nice to meet you let’s shake hands OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NOT AGAIN.”

Cable

Apparently Cable just likes having guns around as an ornament. Yeah he has other powers, but his signature thing is ALWAYS HAVING THE BIGGEST GUNS OF ANYONE. He almost never seems to use them for what guns are for, though — taking life. And since there’s no other reason to need a gun that big that isn’t murder, we have to assume Cable’s got a really small penis. Like, crazy small. One of those penises that’s basically just a little red nubbin.

Green Arrow/ Hawkeye

Green Arrow and Hawkeye are both nonsense. They have the superpower of shooting razor sharp kill missiles. I guess since they’re the greatest shots in the universe or whatever they can always hit bad guys in, like, the arm, but I don’t buy it. No one who trains so hard that they can hit a target in the snow from ten miles away while its running is training to wound a mothafuc*er. I got really good at typing. I can type almost 100 words a minute. Only ever hitting dudes in the shoulder with their arrows would be like me only using the the top and bottom row of keys. No way. I want to use ALL THE KEYS. I want to use all the KILLS. (Okay maybe it’s me with the problem here.)

Human Torch

The Human Torch sets things on fire. Come on Marvel, fire has two purposes: killing things and making food taste better. And Human Torch isn’t using his powers to OPEN THE ULTIMATE BARBECUE RESTAURANT. His entire body is covered in the killingest natural disaster on the planet. I call all the bullsh*ts on Human Torch for going like 70 years without killing, basically, anybody with his entire-body-on-fire-and-spraying-fire-everywhere power. At the very least all his friends should have 3rd degree burns on the parts of their bodies they high five him with.

The Hulk

Now that the Hulk is basically conscious and sentient when he’s the Hulk, I get why he hasn’t murdered anyone. But for most of Hulk’s history, the whole deal was that when he was the Hulk he was OUT OF CONTROL with RAGE and was just a senseless destruction machine with infinite strength. The Marvel movies have more or less gone back to this version of the Hulk, which is great, except HOW the HELL is he not killing anyone? He has bananas strength and no self control and just wants to smash! Every issue of the Hulk should just be a terrified Bruce Banner huddled in a corner trying not to be angry, then the last five pages should just be the Hulk running around ripping human beings in half and punching them so hard they burst, then the last page Bruce Banner crying and covered in gore wishing he was brave enough to die. Great, now that we’ve got that settled, Marvel, GO MAKE THAT MOVIE!

What would you want to do for a living if every time you punched someone they exploded? Let us know on Twitter @Smosh!