Many superheroes stand as captivating metaphors for the best parts of humanity, and what we aspire to be. Others are stupid assh*les with embarrassing powers. Here we’ve collected the superheroes who almost certainly, for very obvious reasons, will never get their own TV shows or movies. (And that, if you ask me, is too bad. If anyone wants to find a way to raise 120 million bucks for a Frog Thor movie I would be your best friend forever.) Here are the superheroes we don’t expect to ever be given a starring role!
Cypher was an X-Man who could speak any language. This is not conducive to exciting plotlines. “Cypher, villains with three different, distinct dialects are destroying New York City! CAN…… YOU……… TRANSLATE??!!”
I actually wish we lived in a world where Frog Thor could get his own TV show. Puddlegulp was a human who was turned into a frog, who then met Thor when Thor was turned into a frog. It’s complicated. Eventually Puddlegulp ended up with a tiny magic hammer named Frogjolnir, and became the hero Throg. He’s just basically Thor but a frog. That is genius. I want to get super rich so I can buy the CW and replace all their sh*tty “hot teens fight something supernatural” shows with 24 hours of Frog Thor hopping around doing things like, oh I don’t know, eating flies, sitting on viking-shaped lily pads, and SAVING THE F*CKING WORLD.
Created back in the ’90s when comics were just starting to realize it was racist to feature almost exclusively white heroes and dealt with it by inventing minority characters that were even more racist than doing nothing. Vibe, AKA Paco Ramos, AKA we’re-never-actually-met-a-Latino-but-are-they-like-this-guy?? was a member of the Justice League who spent most of his time hitting on chicks and dancing (because, you know, Latino). They couldn’t have done much worse if they’d had Speedy Gonzalez join the Justice League and just drive around in a taco-shaped pickup truck. DC quickly realized Vibe was super embarrassing and murdered him to cover their tracks.
This Marvel Universe treasure was basically just a dude into S&M. I don’t really get why he was a superhero. I guess S&M is pretty dark, so tonally he’d fit in with the Netflix Marvel line-up of gritty heroes. It’d be kinda fun when you get tired of Daredevil and Jessica Jones to click on Leather Boy and be like “Yep, he’s still berating a stranger and whipping him with a bag of fish,” before heading back over to Daredevil.
The Almighty Dollar
J. Pennington Pennypacker is my hero. He’s an accountant who went to a camp to improve his self-esteem, but instead was transformed into a superhero who shoots pennies out of his wrists. That last sentence is easily the craziest sentence I have ever written. If anyone can do J. Pennington Pennypacker’s story justice, it’s Christopher Nolan.
What would you do if you could shoot pennies out of your wrists? Let us know on Twitter @Smosh! (Me? I’d get thrown out of a LOT of strip clubs.)