Some of my best lady friends are dating Pokémon. My friend Rachel has been with Raichu for almost a year, and she loves making out with him, even though it’s very physically painful because of all the electric shocks. But he’s a great kisser, so it works out, on balance. However, there are some Pokémon that you should NOT date, no matter how many private Facebook messages they send you. Check it girls, we got your back. Here are the top five Pokémon that would not make good boyfriends.
On the surface, a boyfriend with a tongue that big seems like a total win, but… it’s just too big. When you’re kissing, it’ll hang out the side of your mouth and rest in your purse and soak your makeup. Also, most people don’t know this, but he’s super hardcore into aggro Swedish death metal. There’s nothing worse than a Swedish death metal boyfriend — they combine the whininess of an emo boyfriend with the creepiness of a goth boyfriend. It’s a perfect lame guy storm.
Gumshoos may think he has time for a romantic relationship, but dude is wrong. You’ll be like, “Hey, Gumshoos, let’s make out all night,” and he’ll be all, “Babe, for the millionth time, I can’t right now. I’m busy waiting patiently for my prey in this bush. WHY DON’T YOU GET ME?” Girl, Gumshoos just don’t have space in his heart for you, girl. Don’t take it personal.
Machamp takes steroids. It’s a fact. I’ve tested his urine. Steroids make you more aggressive. I know he looks hot, but hot ain’t worth having to call the police in the middle of the night because he’s throwing the furniture everywhere in an uncontrollable ‘roid rage. Trust, girl.
He’s F*CKING ON FIRE. He will set you on FIRE. I know you’ve always wanted a horse for a boyfriend — well all have at one time or another — but pick a horse that’s NOT ON FIRE. IN THE LONG RUN YOU WILL THANK ME.
Psyduck is manipulative. You don’t want a guy that’s always trying to make you think he’s right and you’re wrong. That’s bad enough in a boyfriend without psychic powers. Now imagine if you had an adorable, duck-shaped boyfriend that was like, “Girl, I wasn’t with somebody else last night, you’re being crazy. You’re being crrrraazzzzyyyyyyyyyy…” Psyduck should be in jail, not kissin’ on you girl. You too good for someone like Psyduck. You deserve someone like Blastoise. Someone with cannons on their shoulders, girl.
Which Pokémon do you want to be your boyfriend, and why? BE HONEST with us on Twitter @Smosh!