Disney parks don’t just pluck money off of trees (science doesn’t know how to do that yet, but they’re working on it, TRUST ME). Sometimes they have oddly shoehorned-in corporate sponsorships to help them rake in bajillions of monies. But I bet we could’ve worked them into the story SOMEHOW. Here are five real-life Disney ride sponsorships that should’ve stuck around.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye and AT&T
“‘Snake’. Why did it have to be ‘Snake’?” Just imagine our ol’ pal Indy, stuck in the Temple of the Forbidden Eye, holding a SUPER old phone with no games. As you wind through the temple, you’d hear Harrison Ford grunt in anger while dealing with only the most rudimentary entertainment! It’s up to YOU to deliver an officially-branded AT&T cellular device to he can pass the time in peace.
Star Tours and Energizer
That damned bunny is a REBEL SPY AND HE KNOWS IT. The adventures continue as this pink menace travels from planet to planet, gathering secrets or whatever. And guess what? The ride never ends. He just keeps going… and going… and going…
Star Tours and M&M’s
… until our favorite red and yellow wise-crackers join the fray! That’s right bitch, it’s chocolate versus fur in an EPIC BATTLE FOR INTERGALACTIC SUPREMACY. Just, you know, watch out for cavities.
Space Mountain and FedEx
So it’s not quite AS epic as Star Tours, but look, if you don’t get this guy his package, he’s gonna be really pissed. Like, one star Yelp review-pissed. Do you really want that on your head? Take a ride through the cosmos and serve this guy what is almost CERTAINLY junk mail!
Mission: Space and Hewlett-Packard
Man, a lot of space-themed rides were sponsored, huh? Welp, Mission: Space was no different, and if it had retained HP as a sponsor, you’d be on a mission for INK. Those black levels are dangerously low, and guess what? You’ve got concert tickets to print BAYBEE. If we can get some crossover action and throw that Energizer bunny and those hysterical anthropomorphic candies in the mix, we’d have a straight-up blockbuster on our hands. MOAR SPONSORS, PL0X.
Do you think thrill rides should be corporately branded? Let’s discuss. Let me know on Twitter!