When I was a kid, toys were the best — they were plastic and mostly indestructible. Sure, there were a lot of dumb toys, but when I look back now, I realize a lot of the stuff I played with was creepy and could have been possessed by some other-worldly demon thing at any moment. This is why I have to go to therapy every week — creepy dolls that stare at me in my dreams, telling me I’m a failure. Here are some of the particularly creepy dolls from the ’80s. Why did parents buy these?
The name Baby Alive is creepy right off the bat. It’s like the most uncreative people got together and thought up names. “Baby Not Dead? Baby Moves a Bit? I got it! Baby Alive!” And the best part about a baby is having to clean it up when it craps right? Well. with this adorable little doll, you get to feed it and watch it chew, like it’s trying to chew up your hopes and dreams. Then it actually poops and pees. THAT IS ITS SELLING POINT!
Midge, the pregnant Barbie
In 1988, Mattel debuted the Barbie Happy Family Line, which came with a pregnant Midge. The baby is in her stomach, and you can give her a cute little c-section. And she looks maybe 16! Yay for underage motherhood.
A Teddy Bear that tells you stories — what’s not to love? Except maybe its dead soulless eyes that just stare into the void. I expected my Teddy Ruxpin’s head to start spinning 360 degrees and to start speaking in Latin at any moment. Should’ve called a priest.
The tag line for Kid Sister was “A True Friend”, meaning this doll was for children who couldn’t make real friends. That doll has seen too much.
My Buddy was the inspiration for Chucky. Need we say more? That doll will come to life and stab you. It’s not an if, but a when. Burn it.
What dolls surprisingly never killed you in your sleep? Let us know on Twitter @Smosh!