Y’all, dating is terrible. You know it, I know it, and even people in relationships know it—even if they won’t admit it. But, hey, at least these Tweets will make you feel better about slowly dying alone.
My dating advice to my friends is usually “break up” and I am pretty much always right
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) May 24, 2016
There are plenty of fish in the sea that are exactly like your ex.
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) June 16, 2016
Me irl: everyone is beautiful in their own special unique way!
Me on tinder: lol this guy doesn’t know his angles I hope he never finds love
— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) August 1, 2016
dating in high school: lets make out
dating in college: lets get drunk and make out
dating as an adult: lets do our best to not die alone
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 1, 2016
How many dates do you go on before you tell the other person you are but a projection of their mind?
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 5, 2016
“when I was your age I had a hard time dating too. you’ll find someone. don’t worry.”
“I’m 98 now. it never got better.”
“oh ok word.”
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) August 24, 2016
I don’t understand why I’m single my hobbies include smelling my own hair and bragging about how I’m immune to bats
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) September 3, 2015
Tip : when a someone stops talking to you on a dating app just message them “I’m going to give you some space and let you figure this out.”
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 6, 2016
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) October 24, 2016
Tinder is just an eye exam.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) August 25, 2016
(on a first date)
you know if you shave a Guinea pig they look like tiny hippos
*with way too much food in my mouth*
they hate it though
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) August 9, 2016
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) February 15, 2017
You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) February 14, 2015
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 30, 2016
Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Girls go to Venus because there are no boys there, so it’s crazy safe for them.
— Jesse Neil (@JTrainNeil) August 25, 2016
i’ve given up dating and sex for a while and let me just say, this seems pointless and i’m learning nothing
— Barbara Gray (@BabsGray) September 8, 2016
*I hold my date’s hand for the first time*
Date: I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 10, 2016
dunkin donuts cashier hands me my ice tea and our thumbs touch
me: thank you for taking me to this beautiful restaurant for our first date
— Ingrid Ostby (@ingridostby) August 11, 2016
Girlfriend: you wanna learn how to check tire pressure?
GF: what are you going to do if you need to someday?
Me: keep dating lesbians
— samantha ruddy (@samlymatters) August 23, 2016
‘i caught one, now what?’
– me playing pokemon/dating
— luisa díez (@luisadieznuts) July 9, 2016
Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don’t know it yet
MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) November 6, 2016
me: So, do you like street magic?
her: Not really
me: [releases 7 doves under table] Haha yeah me either
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 2, 2015
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 23, 2015
[at SunMaid farms with a guy]
Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins
— “Sarah Schauer” (@SJSchauer) July 1, 2016
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 25, 2016
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) September 30, 2015
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
— Mel (@MelKassel) April 24, 2016
*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) November 5, 2015
[getting ready for a date]
ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate
DATE: i love this restaurant
ME: haha i love u too
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) September 30, 2015
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) September 13, 2015
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) August 10, 2015
me: Let me slip into something more uncomfortable.
me (getting naked): Yes.
— Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) May 29, 2015
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
— batkaren (@batkaren) January 12, 2015
him: your single? why?
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 3, 2015
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 27, 2015
*a man runs into the bar*
“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”
*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) June 23, 2015
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 28, 2013
I wish instead of reading “it’s complicated” people’s relationship statuses just said ” I’m fucking a guy who won’t call me his girlfriend”
— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) December 16, 2011
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 14, 2012
Sometimes relationships don’t work out because of timing, but most of the time it’s because someone is an asshole.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) October 17, 2011