Instagram displaying ads from web pages you’ve visited is like a one night stand showing up at your work
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) June 7, 2017
i will not rest until i can get an IUD that is also a fidget spinner
— merritt k (@merrittk) June 9, 2017
Guy: How much does a polar bear weigh?
Girl: What’s a polar bear?
-flirting in the year 2050
— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) June 5, 2017
dear Lord, please bless the 10yo boy sitting next to me in Wonder Woman who whispered, “Diana, no!” as she put herself in danger.
— emery lord (@emerylord) June 5, 2017
I buy that Wonder Woman can stop bullets and fly, but no one can walk through fog and maintain their blowout.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) June 5, 2017
I think we’re all agreed that when you fit the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle in place, it should come to life and slay your enemies.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) June 6, 2017
smelly and colorful
– me describing flowers to my future mole children
— Ziwe (@ziwe) June 1, 2017
*cracks open a cold 0.77 with the girls*
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 3, 2017
Don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) June 5, 2017
I want to be remembered when I die, but not for any specific thing. In fact, if you could forget the actual things I did, that’d be great.
— Brosephine Wires (@JoParkerBear) June 7, 2017
*any house of cards character gets near a window*
“i remember when i was a kid…”
— crissy (@crissymilazzo) June 3, 2017
A drag queen walked by me and smacked my ass and said “get it together girl” and I was just standing there but she was right.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) June 3, 2017
If you wanna win a text argument just delete the conversation
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) June 8, 2017
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 8, 2017
Statistically we should be seeing way more divorce hashtags.
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) June 4, 2017
My fitness goal is to be thin enough to be considered for roles in romantic comedies as the fat best friend.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) June 8, 2017
A good friend would tell you if there’s lettuce in your teeth. A great friend would never let you eat salad in the first place.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) June 2, 2017
Early to bed, early to rise, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
— young hope (@hopiecan) June 2, 2017
Crop your screenshots before you text them, you fucking monsters. Your 6% battery charge is freaking everyone out.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 5, 2017