We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) July 27, 2017
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
— Deirdre (@figgled) July 18, 2017
Most of my self-esteem comes from when I put on jeans that are already stretched out but I pretend like they were just washed.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) July 26, 2017
my other organs: please help us .
— sam (@smeezi) July 26, 2017
I just ate celery without washing it first, don’t ever fucking tell me I’m not fucking hardcore
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) July 27, 2017
No one really wants dressing on the side. We just have trust issues.
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) July 27, 2017
ME: Why do you even want to date me?
THE LAST GUY I DATED: Because I like to face my fears.
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) July 20, 2017
Should I wear a huge plastic flower in my hair or should I just TELL people my life is a complete disaster
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 23, 2017
let us return to a simpler time, such as when i believed that an atm is where you go to “buy money”
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) July 28, 2017
If you don’t watch yourself, you can’t shake your ass! How can you shake your ass if you don’t watch yourself?!
— batkaren (@batkaren) July 27, 2017
Me: I must go to sleep.
My brain: Yes ok good idea but first let’s just go over everything stupid you’ve ever done in your life.
— summer goth (@NicCageMatch) July 26, 2017
When someone tells you their hands are cold, there’s a 95% chance they’re going to put their hands on you to prove how cold they are.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 25, 2017
my entire approach to financial planning is “always order the beer and a shot deal”
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) July 22, 2017
Me: I’m not changing anything about myself just for you
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) July 18, 2017
How To Know If He Means Babe Like Casual Babe, Babe Like Girlfriend Babe, Or Babe Like He Wants To Watch The Movie Babe
— dorothy on peyote (@hellohappy_time) July 13, 2017