The continuation of Capitalism basically rests upon convincing people they need to own things they don’t really need. Kitchen stores are great for this — if people want to cook, what more do they need than silverware, pots and pans, and dishes? GLAD YOU ASKED. There are HUNDREDS of tools that any true food connoisseur absolutely needs in their kitchen. Here are ten weird kitchen tools you didn’t know you needed.
1) Beer Warmer
I first saw a beer warmer in Kustermann, which is a giant kitchen store in Munich, so I can guarantee you this is real. But WHY is it real? That I can’t explain. I may have been born in Germany, but I deny any and all relation to this product and knowledge of why it exists.
2) Apple Corer Peeler Slicer
Cut an apple with a knife? Eat an apple with your own MOUTH? Get out of here, cretin! Who does that anymore? What you need is an apple corer, peeler, and slicer that will transform an apple from its yucky “natural” state into something worthy of your high-class mouth.
3) Banana Slicer
I know, you thought bananas were already perfect, didn’t you? So easy to eat on the go, and incredibly easy to cut with a knife if need be (and need almost never be). Well, no longer will you look like a complete tool eating your banana as God intended — be better than God with this banana slicer.
4) Avocado Cutter
This tool is the perfect accompaniment to your “I know guac is extra” t-shirt. Bring it with you everywhere, you avocado freak!
5) Strawberry Stem Remover
Ever want to eat a handful of strawberries, but keep finding those pesky stems in your way? All of your problems would be solved with this handy strawberry stem remover! (As long as your problems are all strawberry stem-related.)
6) Cherry Pitter
With this handy cherry pitter, you can eat 100 cherries in two minutes flat don’t ask me how I know.
7) Pancake Batter Dispenser
Unevenly sized pancakes are for peasants! Never again will you dole out pancake batter willy-nilly after acquiring this essential pancake batter dispenser.
8) Asparagus Peeler
Did you know that asparagus needs to be peeled? Neither did I! And that’s because we are low-class idiots who don’t deserve good things. Change that with this asparagus peeler!
9) Portable Ice Maker
Never leave the house without the capability to make ice ever again — whip this baby out at the lunch table and freshen up your drinks in just six short minutes. Bring it on a picnic, use it on the bus, quietly and respectfully make cold drinks at a funeral… it doesn’t matter, it’s PORTABLE.
10) One-Click Butter Cutter
Get those perfect cuts of butter that you need for ?!?!? without using a knife or, God forbid, a tool that requires two or more clicks. One Amazon review describes it as “a must for butter lovers”.
Are you planning to buy every single one of these kitchen tools? Tweet at me and let me know @erikaheidewald!