Some things take a while to develop, while some appear seemingly overnight. The items on this list, however, came out of f*cking nowhere and now they’re treated as the most important things since sliced bread. This begs the question — if these are sOoOo amazing and necessary, what the heck were we doing before they came along?
Where did gluten come from? What were all of the “gluten-intolerant” people doing for the past two thousand years? We’re not talking about those with Celiac Disease. We’re talking about your “friend” in third period who makes a point of telling you she’s gluten-free and feels ahhmaazzzzinggg. Okay, okay too harsh? Here watch this video you gluten-free highfalutin people:
Also don’t tell anyone, but I wish I could cut out gluten because bread makes me pass out but I can’t quit bread’s love. Help!
I can’t talk too much sh*t on this stuff because I am semi-addicted to the ‘booch. (I used to work at a yoga studio so I kinda had to be.) What is kombucha? *Googles “What is kombucha”* Okay, so kombucha is a fermented probiotic drink that’s been around for thousands of years and is originally from China. *Rolls eyes* of course it is. (It’s okay! I’m Chinese!) It’s basically bacteria and yeast that’s fermented to create a naturally carbonated, tiddly bit alcoholic, explosive drink. Like, for real, don’t shake the bottle because it’ll explode.
3. Elizabeth Olsen
Mary-Kate and Ashley have been around since the dawn of time (AKA the ’90s). It was always the two of them: Full House, their K-Mart line, and cigarette smoking pap-shots. Then when Martha Marcy May Marlene came out, all of a sudden there was another Olsen? While she’s not a twin, Elizabeth’s name has no hyphen *insert white girl name here*. She’s just a simple one-namer who didn’t start working at nine months. Weird.
4. Mason Jars
JARS. They are everywhere. Jars for candles, jars for Christmas lights, jars for smoothies, jars for salads, jars for pizzas. YES, pizza jars are a real thing and it’s just as gross looking as what you’re imagining. When did jars become a thing? Go to any trendy brunch spot and your waiter with a handle-bar mustache, suspenders, and ironic octopus tattoo will undoubtedly serve you an $18 lemonade in a f*cking jar from Joannes. If you ever want to lose your mind, look up “Jar DIY” on Pinterest.
For so long, makeup was just blue eye shadow and a red lip. Simple, classic, hideous.
Now, it’s contouring. It’s basically drawing different poop-colored shades of makeup onto your face, then blending all the streaks. This is meant to define your jaw, nose, cheekbones, etc., making our sorry, shapeless faces into something acceptable for public. Here are some great examples of contouring:
Mmhmm, contouring makes boobies too.
If froyo was the dessert trend of the mid-2000s, cupcakes in the early-2010s, then acai bowls are the it dessert that will bring us into 2020. With yummy toppings like cacao (a fancy word for chocolate), agave, and granola, the health benefits of the acai fruit are basically null and void. Whatevs, I still eat one every morning. It’s like the grown-up basic bitch version of Coco Puffs.
7. The Hemsworths
If you get the two (there’s actually three, but the third is like whatever) confused, you’re not alone. It seems like these two (okay three, but let’s be real…) appeared on the silver screen overnight. Where did they come from?! And don’t be a smartass and say Australia. We KNOW (as of two minutes ago). Sorry, there are just so many riveting, wildly unique white male actors we can’t keep track.
Charcoal used to be reserved for the barbecue and Tim Robbins. Nowadays, you say charcoal and I say “On my face? Okay!” It’s the latest beauty product sweeping the Youtube and Instagram nations. Charcoal masks can be used to get rid of blackheads, whiteheads, Deadheads, redheads, and bedspreads. Activated charcoal in drinks can apparently act as a detox and metabolism booster. So don’t be a charcan’t, be a charCAN.
9. Swan Pool Lounge
I don’t even have a pool, much less extravagant floats to fill it with. But every celeb has these giant flamingo/swan pool thingies and we’re just sitting here thinking “My bathtub is gross.” Now for the low, low price of $1,119 you can get a FUNBOY Float Squad, complete with a hashtag float, flamingo float, and unicorn float. What ever happened to pool noodles and those rings you’d toss and fetch like your very own dolphin dog? I want to be my own dolphin dog!
10. Melting Dessert
Melting desserts are only seen in videos, never seen in real life. (Well unless you’re fancy and go to fancy restaurants. If so, what’re you doing here?! Go read the Wall Street Journal or something you 1 percenter.) ANYWHO, this rare creature/dessert occurs at the magic moment where something hot (we assume chocolate) is poured over a shell of potentially chocolate (again, we’ve never tried it) and then that melts and reveals more chocolate (?) and ice cream. This is so fancy. Then again, ordering dessert at a restaurant is so fancy. We just get one side salad and water of the tap variety.
There you have them, the 10 things that were so not a thing until they randomly became a thing. If you know of a thing, tell me that thing at @andihestr and maybe it’ll become a thing!