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10 Things Only People Who Love Swearing Will Understand

I love to swear. I can’t help it! Just like humanity, which has been cursing for ages, I’ve had the mouth of a sailor since about 8th grade. But my love for bad words goes back to my earliest days. “Sh*t” was quite literally one of my first words. When I was a little kid my brother and I would sometimes go outside, far away from our parents, and have “cuss time”, where we’d just say every bad word we knew. So believe me when I say, I am familiar as f*ck with these, the things people who love to swear understand!

1. No words accurately replace swear words

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Sure, you might sound smarter or more cultured if you find non-sweary alternatives, but when you really want to call someone a f*ckface, nothing else will do. Language is about expressing ourselves and I express myself with expletives.

2. Trying not to curse around kids is torture

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I have a bunch of little brothers and sisters (so many) and I really try not to curse around them. I’d feel bad if my five-year-old sister got in trouble at school because I’m such a bad influence. But it’s HARD. When I was home over Thanksgiving, I just tried subbing every curse word with “doodoo” and that did make it easier. (I did find out, though, that saying “doodoo” 50 times a day is actually hilarious.)

3. Sometimes you seem more aggro than you really are

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Turns out some people think curse words are fightin’ words. And I am truly a peaceful person. Unless you get aggro on me, that is. Then I go ham.

4. Writing for this website is hard

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I’m not supposed to use bad words. Sometimes I use them anyway. Don’t tell your parents. Just kidding. Don’t keep anything from your parents. Tell everything to your parents. Anyhoo.

5. There is no word like the F-word

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There is no substitute. It’s the only word I know of that can serve as every part of speech. “F*cking f*cker f*cked f*cking f*ck,” can be a whole sentence. Incredible.

6. People can be really weird about girls who swear

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Some people don’t seem to know this, but girls don’t have some special sort of voice box that keeps curse words from getting out. And the easiest way to get yourself murdered is to tell a woman that it isn’t attractive when women curse. It won’t be attractive when their f*cking guts are spilled all over the sidewalk.

7. Your mom asks you to stop writing swear words on her Facebook wall

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Sometimes my mom will post a good article or something and I’ll be like, “f*ck yeah” and then my mom will gently remind me that she has a real job and serious friends and a boss and stuff.

8. Some people don’t find the word “bitch” endearing

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I don’t get this but to each their own. Every time I say something like, “ugh yes bitch you look so good” to my girlfriend, she does NOT take it as a compliment. She does not like it. Of course, the same thing happens when I call her “dude”, and that’s not a bad word; it’s just a bro word.

9. You’re always ready to flip someone off in traffic

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Flipping someone the bird is like swearing with your hands. I will flip off anyone who acts a fool in traffic, which sometimes makes people really mad. This is why my dad says someone is going to “murder me” someday. Oookay.

10. Nothing is more annoying than your iPhone autocorrecting to “duck off”

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Duck you, iPhone. You ducking know I am not saying “duck off”.

Do you identify with the struggle of holding in the curses? Tweet at me and let me know! @erikaheidewald

Contributor: 
Erika Heidewald
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