To quote my personal hero and informal business school teacher Mr. Krabs: “Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells… smelly?” The answer to that question is, of course, “Yes. I do.” Do you ever stop and think about just how many smell there probably are in the world? At least one hundred. Maybe more. But almost certainly less. And each one of those smells can be bottled and sold to you. But not without first putting an exact name to it, that will define what that smelly smell smells like. Here are some of the most absurd perfume names that you can spray all over your body to make it nice and smelly:
“Dinner” by Bobo
You want to smell like dinner? Really? I guess I see how that’s clever in a bad sex pun way. Like, if you were to say “You smell like dinner… and I want to eat you”? But I had a Cup of Noodles and a Hot Pocket for dinner so you might want to specify whose dinner you smell like. For me it would be like “You smell like dinner… microwavable.”
“Gingerbread Whorehouse” by Possets Perfumes
This scent really puts the icing on my chimney (I don’t know what that means). And is a Gingerbread Whorehouse made of gingerbread? If so, that’s both a health code violation and sticky for like… more than one reason. Or is it a whorehouse for gingerbread people? In that case, fine. But why?
“Don’t Get Me Wrong Baby. I Don’t Swallow.” by Etat Libre d’Orange
Oh wow. Just wow… how does this cologne eat?
“Frankfurt Kitchen” by Social Creatures
“Frankfurt Kitchen” sounds less like a scent and more like a graphic sex act that Googling will put you on some type of government watch list.
“Breath of God” by Lush
It would be hilarious if Lush was an atheist-run company and this perfume smelled like nothing.
“Delicious Closet Queen” by Etat Libre d’Orange
“Funeral Home” by Demeter Fragrance Library
Can I make a goth joke here? Are goths still a thing? You guys know what goths are? Please write to me if you or someone you know is or has seen a goth.
“Crazy Lady” by Diamond Collection
The bouquet breakdown of Crazy Lady fragrance is, I assume, basically just a TON of cat urine, a tone of warm wet trash water, and a subtle hint of more cat urine.
“Intense Wood” by DSquared2
I gave your mom Intense Wood for Christmas last year. And your dad. Hell, I even gave Intense Wood to your dog. Intense Wood is the perfect gift for the whole family.
“Toast” by The Federation of Bakers
F*cking finally. I’m legit all about the scent of toast. But I do think it should be called “Bread” and the scent only activates if you go out in the sun and get burnt. That actually doesn’t make sense if you think about it, but whatever. It’s a perfume called “Toast”, I don’t think a lot of Nobel Prize winners are going to be wearing it.